I would like share with everyone something that happened the week leading up to Easter. As I have said before, forgiveness is a choice we make, and I recently had an encounter with my mom which gave me the opportunity to live out all I have been saying in the last several postings. I’m going to say right now that I did not respond to her in the best of ways…to say the least.
I was at church and missed Two calls from my mom. So, when I got back home I called her back. At first the conversation was going good, and then I sensed a change in her voice and could tell she was getting nervous about something. Then she said a series of statements that felt like a sucker punch. She asked me if I even cared if she lived in the same state as me. If I cared to have any kind of interaction with her, and if I even loved her at all. I really didn’t want to answer her questions because I knew no matter how I were to answer them, if I were to be honest with her, it would only cause her more heart ache. So, I made the only statement that I could honestly make, for better or for worse she was my mom and I would always love her. She quickly discounted that, and basically said it didn’t count. She then wanted to know if I had just resigned her off as my mom and nothing more…Someone to just put up with. Again, I knew answering those questions would only cause more heartache for her which I didn’t want to cause. I also see those issues as MY ISSUES; for which I am responsible for dealing with, and working on improving on my own with no need to drag her into it.
By now she had really hit some sensitive buttons of mine. She attempted to trigger me, and boy, oh boy did I ever jump in head first. I completely went off on her. I went into my bed room and locked the door. Where our conversation grew louder and louder till I found myself flat out screaming at her…and I do mean screaming. I said something along the lines that she was asking me to prove my love to her. For which she replied that she wasn’t. I restated that in fact she had just asked me to prove my love to her by saying that me loving her because she is my mom didn’t count. She wanted to know if I loved her because she could tell I’ve been angry at her over the past few years, and I don’t get excited to see her. So, by now, I now have the attitude of…if you really want me to say it then FINE I’LL SAY IT!! I said to her, ” What you want me to admit that I’ve been angry! Fine! I’ve been angry! I’ve been very angry, and I’ve also worked very hard at not being angry any more”. The next thing I know I’m screaming at her several times, ” If you can’t accept the way I love you then that is your problem and not mine”! I also told her that her problem was she couldn’t accept that I can forgive and move on. Something for which I again pointed out was her problem and not mine. I told her, I had forgiven her and was moving on from it. That just because I had forgiven her didn’t mean that I have learned how to interact with her any better or that I was going to get it right all the time. There were many, many thing said that night. Naturally, I’m my view I did not say anything to her that wasn’t true or didn’t fit her. She even agreed with the things I was saying. HOWEVER!! I don’t think it was right for me to have said a lot of what I said. It’s not always right for us to say things to people; even when what we have to say is right. It wasn’t my place; it wasn’t my job to say those things. A lot of what I said to her are things that God has to work with her on. I can’t change her. Only God can change her; only God can change me. Needless to say, it was very wrong of me to raise my voice and to scream at her in the way that I did.
That night, for the first time in a while, I prayed “My Declaration“, a prayer of forgiveness and healing towards her. I prayed it again in the morning. I knew I had to immediately forgive and let go of the situation that had just happened between us. The next day I talked with one of my Aunts about what had happened, and she told me to call my mom, to apologize for yelling, and to say to her “lets just start fresh from here”. My flesh wanted to rise up, and say that she deserved for me to go off on her, I was right in everything I said, and I didn’t want to call her. But I knew my Aunt, who is such a Godly woman, was speaking truth to me, and giving me right instruction. So, I did just that. I called my mom, asked her to forgive me for yelling at her, and asked if we could start fresh. My mom likewise, asked me to forgive her. I was so glad that I could sincerely and honestly tell her, I had already forgiven her. I had already prayed and laid it all down before God. Denying any root of bitterness from taking hold, and therefore denying any fruit of unforgiveness from coming forward. The root of bitterness comes forth and bears the fruit of unforgiveness. Which is why it’s so important to keep bitterness from taking hold in us. I’m glad my mom and I have been able to forgive, and to move forward with our relationship.