I’m posting some older posts of mine so that you can see the progress that I’ve made, and how the abuse has affected me. You’ll be able to tell that it is a older post by it’s label and title which will have the date of the original posting.
Mathew 16:19 Says, “And I will give unto thee the Keys of the Kingdom of heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven”.
Therefore, I have both the power to bind and to lose things on earth and in heaven. As for me…I do not want to live a life where I have bound up un-forgiveness and then have to live out the consequences of having a life and heart full of un-forgiveness. If I bind up for myself un-forgiveness then I will live a life of un-forgiveness!!! That is not a life that I want to live! Forgiveness of Jon is not for his benefit, but for mine; so that I do not have to live a life of un-forgiveness, but can live a life full of forgiveness. I do not want to be bound to Jon. I want to be free from him, and that starts with wholly forgiving him.
I’ve been thinking about something that happened when I was a teenager lately. Jon once brought out a rifle wrapped up in a blanket. He unwrapped it, gave it to me, and told me to look through the high power scope, and to feel how easy the trigger was. He then wrapped the rifle back up into the blanket…this whole time he never once touched it with his hands. Then after he has it all wrapped up he tells me that the “government” wants my finger prints on the gun; so that if I ever talk they the “government” would kill someone and frame me for it. I remember feeling the shock that the “government” would do that. And also wondering why Jon didn’t worn me of this before he handed me the rifle. I mean really, what kind of sick person does that kind of thing?! I was only a child! Why did he have to mess with my mind like that. Why did he find it so necessary to instill so much fear into me. I guess the obvious answer is…self preservation to keep me from talking. And it worked for long time. But there are plenty of sick people out there who don’t mess with people’s minds like that. You would be shocked to hear all the lies that Jon has told me. One of the biggest areas of shame for me is the brain washing that Jon did to me. I am a shamed that I believed all his lies. That even though I knew that he lied to everyone I thought that surely he would never lie to me…I’m family and you don’t lie to family. You don’t betray family like that! You don’t do to people what Jon did to me!
I caught myself thinking about court today; which usually starts to happen the closer it gets to August. The end of August is when my case went to court, and every year since then I think about court the closer it gets to August. This August marks one year since Jon was released from prison. I was thinking about when the jury came back with a verdict. All 12 jurors had to agree on his guilt in order to be able to find him guilty. Praise God! that they were able to see what the truth was, and that is that Jon is guilty of sexually abusing me. I was in shock…court was finally going to be over, and most importantly God had answered my prayers for the truth to be seen in court, and for a guilty verdict. The guilty verdict requires that Jon has to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life. This gives me some comfort knowing that I have done all that I can to protect others from him. I remember looking at the jury as the verdict was read. Just remembering it brings tears to my eyes. May God bless those jurors.
Sometimes I wonder why I carry around someone else’s shame. What was done to me was not my fault, and I shouldn’t be ashamed of something that someone else did. Jon is the one who should be carrying the shame of what he did…NOT ME!!! I have come a long way from when I first started dealing with all that was done. I used to feel the slime and grime of his body still on mine. The thought still makes me cringe. I don’t like to dwell on that thought because the feeling of him on me usually isn’t far behind. But at lest it’s a feeling that rarely comes along these days.
So, then why do I still feel like if people knew about it that they wouldn’t want to be around me? Like I’m a leaper in hiding; afraid of being found out. I’m not shy about being a survivor of sexual abuse, but at the same time when I meet people the first words out of my mouth are NOT that I’m a survivor of sexual abuse. This shame continues to reek havoc on my mind. Making me feel like people really don’t want to be around me, and could care less if they knew me…that I’m just a nuisance to them. These thoughts have got to be from the pit of hell (and Lord help me to remember that!). The devil who is the enemy of our soul would love for nothing more than for shame to keep me silent. Sexual Abuse is a topic that no one wants to talk about. People would rather put their heads in the sand and pretend that it doesn’t exist. And heaven help you if you want to shine light onto the darkness that exists in any form of abuse. I’m so tired of feeling like I have to be SILENT as if my life depended on it. I want my VOICE to be HEARD, and not just heard but UNDERSTOOD.
Here is a little bit about my story. I was about 15 when it started and it lasted for about a year and a half to two years. My abuser was my step-dad, Jon, he is extremely manipulative and very good at mind games. He took my young impressionable mind and my trustworthiness, and brainwashed me into believing some outrageous things. Part of which was that an ex-step-mom of mine, who worked on projects that she wasn’t allowed to talk about, had enrolled me into a government program. I was young and I didn’t think that he would lie to me in the way that he was, and for the most part I took his word for it. I knew that he was a liar because I saw him lie to everyone around him, but I never thought that he would lie to me in the way that he did…I was family and YOU DON’T LIE TO FAMILY! Through counseling I have come to understand that what was happening to me was too much for me to handle; so believing the lie was easier than facing the truth about what was really going on.
During this time my mom was suicidal, and Jon had told me that the government was messing with her medication and that as long as I did what I was told that when they were done they would leave her alone and stop messing with her medicine. Jon also told me that the government would be watching me for the rest of my life, and that the house was bugged. That if I ever told anyone about the “program” that the government would kill members of my family and make it look like an accident, and that they would even frame me for murder. I also faced being abducted if I refused to do what I was told right at that moment. I became increasingly afraid of the dark, and was having a very hard time sleeping. For about a year I slept with a light on in my room. As you can imagine life was difficult to say the least. Not only did I have to deal with what Jon was doing, but everyone expected me to be able to bring my mom out of her depression. I was told that if I did this or that, that it could help bring her out of her depression; and so I tried to no avail. I was the family councilor, and confidant to both Jon and my mom. I was a CHILD with ADULT responsibilities.
On December 26, 2002 I went to the police station to file charges against Jon. My case didn’t make it to court until August 2007. So, five years and five Assistant District Attorneys later my case made it to court. When people say that going to court is like being victimized all over again they aren’t kidding. Going to court has been one of the most difficult things that I have ever done, and I would do it all over again in a heart beat if it meant that even just one person would be spared from having to go through what I have been through. Jon was charged with two counts of sexual assault of a child. It took the jury 14 hours to come back with a verdict. On the first count Jon got two years prison time, and on the second count he got ten years probation which he just started in January 2010. Jon has never admitted to what he has done. Jon filed for an appeal two times which is the maximum that he could file for. It took two years and four months for those appeals to work their way through the system. Both times the guilty verdicts were kept in place, and Jon was NOT granted a new trial.
If the things that I share about my healing journey apply to no one else in this world it applies to me. This is about my healing journey and the things that I’m learning along the way.