There have been so many changes over the last several months. Between one of my aunts choosing to walk out of my life when I tried to set boundaries, and my husband’s job requiring us to move to another state. A lot has happened during this time. I have felt very overwhelmed. It feels as though my faith was falling out from underneath me the way the ocean tied erodes sand away from around your feet at the beach.
It was all very depressing. After a while I started thinking, who am I to ask God for anything; who am I to think He would do anything for me with such puny, little faith; I’ve got too many issues, especially with trust and faith. The importance of faith is preached in nearly every sermon.
We are taught in Matthew 17:20
20 “You don’t have enough faith,” Jesus told them. “I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it would move. Nothing would be impossible. ”
I think the main part of this verse which really sticks out to, probably to just about everyone, is having faith to movie mountains.
Mountains!
Mountains are huge!
Mountains are massive chunks of land!
If one were to be honest, I think we would admit to wondering how in the world can faith really do that. Moving a mountain is pretty much impossible; barring the use of massive equipment and explosives. Perhaps there are those out there, who like me, at times feel more like a doubting Thomas. Unless we see with our eyes, faith is hard to have; just as it was for Thomas (John 20:25-27). We are told, “Don’t be a doubting Thomas”, and I feel my faith shrink just a little bit more because I don’t know how to not be a doubting Thomas. I’ve been taken advantage of enough to know to question things. To not blindly believe everything said to me. This somehow equates, at least in my mind, that my faith is in some way lacking.
The topic of faith tends to be focused on the mighty things which can be accomplished through faith. Rarely, is the focus on the mustered seed. A seed that is so small, yet it grows to be huge. Again, the end result is what is most captured in the mind, and not the smallness of the seed. I feel like if God could ask me a question it would be, “Why such little faith”? I’m not sure I would be able to answer His question. Perhaps the smallness of my faith is in relation to the smallness for which I feel I am.
I opened my Bible for the first time in a really long time. I read about how Jesus calmed the storm, and something really stood out to me. Take a look at it with me.
Matthew 8:24-27
24 Suddenly, a fierce storm struck the lake, with waves breaking into the boat. But Jesus was sleeping.
25 The disciples went and woke him up, shouting, “Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!”
26 Jesus responded, “Why are you afraid? You have so little faith!” Then he got up and rebuked the wind and waves, and suddenly there was a great calm.
27 The disciples were amazed. “Who is this man?” they asked. “Even the winds and waves obey him!”
What stood out to me was the fear and panic those on the boat were feeling. Not exactly emotions associated with having faith. Jesus even pointed it out Himself in verse 26, “…You have so little faith!” Their lack of faith, however, did not deter, stop, or cause Jesus to hesitate or delay Him from calming the storm. In fact, at the end of verse 26 it says, “there was a great calm”…not just a calm but a great calm.
Faith is pushed and pushed in church, and indeed the Bible says in Hebrews 11:6 it is impossible to please God without faith because those who come to Him “must believe that God exists and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him”. Does this mean the whole premise of faith is to believe in God and that He rewards those who sincerely seek him? I don’t pretend to know the answer to this question. There is no if you have this amount of faith, then you can achieve these great things. There is only if you believe in God and that He rewards.
I have felt for a long time now, the order in which things work is that I must first have some kind of great faith, and then God will do his part; otherwise I’m just peeing in the wind. I have also felt for a long time that no amount of faith that I could have would be enough for God to answer my prayers. Who am I that God would notice me? I have felt this way in spite of all the blessings and answered prayers God has given me over the years. According to many preachers, this line of thinking, this “little faith” would cause me to disqualify myself from the blessings of God. Why I ask? It did not disqualify those on the boat when Jesus calmed the storm. They were sacred, and fearful; they had “little faith”. Verse 27 of chapter 8 in Matthew shows the disciples wondering who Jesus really was that the wind and waves would obey Him. That sounds a lot like there may have been some doubt about Jesus’ abilities to do certain things they perceived as impossible which could be associated with their “little faith”. Maybe a certain level of doubt and having “little faith” is something which goes hand in hand? You can’t have one without the other? Perhaps in the same way, others like me, wonder how faith can move mountains. The doubting Thomas’ of the world. Yet, Jesus did not disqualify them from their fearful request that He save them from the storm.
So, why do I beat myself up so much for feeling as though I have such little faith? Faith which is rooted in the feeling and doubt of why would God really want to do anything for me? I don’t know. What I do know is, I’m going to try to allow myself to believe that my “little faith” is enough.
I’m going to tell myself, “Your faith is enough”!
Got Faith? Why, yes you do!
Your faith is enough!
No one should ever cause us to feel as though our faith is not enough. God will meet us where we are at…regardless of what kind of faith we feel we have.
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