I wish I could say that I’m winning at living as though I know what normal is, but last week was a total bust for me. I found out that my abuser is off of probation a lot sooner than what I feel he should be. A judge decided that he had fulfilled his 10 years of probation. My understanding of things would have put him off of probation in 2020. I wish I had clarity. I’ve made phone calls and am still waiting for someone to explain to me, to help me understand this ruling.
When I heard the news, I couldn’t breath as easily, I started feeling shaky and started crying. I felt as though my legs had been knocked out from underneath me. I was not at all mentally prepared to hear my abuser is off of probation. To hear he is no longer being closely monitored, or that the no contact order is no longer in effect. All this scares me. I know a no contact order is just a piece of paper, but that piece of paper brought a lot of comfort to me knowing that he could not legally contact me. There’s the rational part of me that knows his sense of self-preservation is to high for him to contact me or to even come close to me. Then there is the part of me that lived my most impressionable years living with a man who is not just abusive but also vindictive. That part of me will always be scared of him and what he is capable of doing. It’s a real struggle to allow the rational side to win over fear.
IF ONLY we could heal as quickly as it took for the trauma to take place. There would be no lasting PTSD because we would all heal before it could affect us in such a way. We wouldn’t have to worry about anxiety or depression. These would all be fleeting things and over before they could have any real lasting effects. Sometimes it’s nice to think about how easy things would be IF ONLY healing could be done so effortlessly. But reality calls, and we must answer it, and continue the fight to heal.
One day we will do that one thing that will help us feel as though we are functioning just a little bit better. Then at some point we will do it again. Then one day we will notice that one thing is becoming easier to do, and we’ll do it more often than before with the hope that one day it won’t be a struggle at all. Today’s one thing for me was something as “simple” as taking a shower and blow-drying my hair. This “simple” act helped me feel as though I’m functioning just a little bit better since hearing the news about my abuser getting off of probation.
At the moment, healing is a struggle. While I admit healing is a struggle, I must also admit it takes a strong person to fight to heal. I feel we must give ourselves credit for the strength we have to not only survive trauma and abuse but to take up the task to heal from it. We should take pride and comfort in every battle won. For every battle won puts us that much closer to our goal of healing.
Here’s to that one thing, that one win, and fighting for your goal. May today’s battle to heal be filled with those “one things” and those “little” wins; may it take you one step closer to your goal.