I caught myself thinking about court today; which usually starts to happen the closer it gets to August. The end of August is when my case went to court, and every year since then I think about court the closer it gets to August. This August marks one year since Jon was released from prison. I was thinking about when the jury came back with a verdict. All 12 jurors had to agree on his guilt in order to be able to find him guilty. Praise God! that they were able to see what the truth was, and that is that Jon is guilty of sexually abusing me. I was in shock…court was finally going to be over, and most importantly God had answered my prayers for the truth to be seen in court, and for a guilty verdict. The guilty verdict requires that Jon has to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life. This gives me some comfort knowing that I have done all that I can to protect others from him. I remember looking at the jury as the verdict was read. Just remembering it brings tears to my eyes. May God bless those jurors.
Sometimes I wonder why I carry around someone else’s shame. What was done to me was not my fault, and I shouldn’t be ashamed of something that someone else did. Jon is the one who should be carrying the shame of what he did…NOT ME!!! I have come a long way from when I first started dealing with all that was done. I used to feel the slime and grime of his body still on mine. The thought still makes me cringe. I don’t like to dwell on that thought because the feeling of him on me usually isn’t far behind. But at lest it’s a feeling that rarely comes along these days.
So, then why do I still feel like if people knew about it that they wouldn’t want to be around me? Like I’m a leaper in hiding; afraid of being found out. I’m not shy about being a survivor of sexual abuse, but at the same time when I meet people the first words out of my mouth are NOT that I’m a survivor of sexual abuse. This shame continues to reek havoc on my mind. Making me feel like people really don’t want to be around me, and could care less if they knew me…that I’m just a nuisance to them. These thoughts have got to be from the pit of hell (and Lord help me to remember that!). The devil who is the enemy of our soul would love for nothing more than for shame to keep me silent. Sexual Abuse is a topic that no one wants to talk about. People would rather put their heads in the sand and pretend that it doesn’t exist. And heaven help you if you want to shine light onto the darkness that exists in any form of abuse. I’m so tired of feeling like I have to be SILENT as if my life depended on it. I want my VOICE to be HEARD, and not just heard but UNDERSTOOD.