Wow. This Mother’s Day was so much harder than I thought it would be. I normally don’t have any issues with this day. Right now, I’m in the midst of weaning off of my anxiety medication. My doctor would like to see me not needing to take it every day; since the medicine can be highly addictive. As soon as I started lowering the dose, I could tell the difference. I felt mentally crappy, and nothing all at the same time; a no-man’s land wasteland. I noticed, I felt the same way on my birthday this year too; before I started lowering the dose of my anxiety medicine .
I’ve learned over the years, it can be difficult for those who have grown up in an abusive environment to feel uncomfortable with the spotlight being on them. They can find it difficult to accept complements. It can be hard for them to make decisions; since while growing up decisions were usually made for them, and they were required to fall in line with what they were told to do.
I think this played a big role in why I felt so crappy on my birthday and for Mother’s Day. I’ve been having a hard time dealing with the stress dreams that I’ve been having. Then to add to it the decrease in my anxiety medicine; I was just having a hard time adjusting. I didn’t feel like having the spotlight on me or for anyone to look to me to make any choices or decisions. When I’m having a hard time functioning the way I would like to, I sometimes just want to be in my own little bubble and be invisible. I spent so much of my childhood feeling invisible and wishing I wasn’t; now there are times where all I want to be is invisible.
On Mother’s Day, I wasn’t feeling like someone who deserved recognition or praise for anything I do. I just wanted to be in my own little bubble and to be invisible; to not have anyone looking to me for anything. I didn’t want to be responsible for what we did for the day: where we ate, what we did, or where we went.
I’m doing better with the adjustment of my medicine. The stress dreams are still happening. I know I need to get back into counseling so I can better deal with my thoughts and feelings. When the actions of others cause you to wonder why you weren’t enough; why wasn’t it worth it for them to put in the effort to stay in your life, it takes a long time to heal from that. Yes, I’m still struggling with my aunt walking out of my life in a way that seemed so easy for her. I’m doing good with her out of my life, and do not have a desire to talk to her or to see her. I have anxiety when I get a phone calls to my phone from numbers I don’t recognize that could potentially be my aunt trying to call from a different phone number.
It has just occurred to me while writing this blog post that perhaps part of the reason why I’ve been having such a hard time with my aunt walking out of my life is because it triggers the same feelings I’ve had about other people who have been in my life. Perhaps it’s less about her, and more about all the people who have been in my life where I didn’t feel like I was enough or wondered why I wasn’t worth them doing something or changing something…to protect me, to have a healthy relationship with me, or to just be there for me. This is a new revelation for me, and hopefully it will help me to heal more. Hopefully, this can help you too; sometimes it may be more about the feelings a person triggers within you, and less about the actual person.