Things haven’t been going very well for me lately. The last depression medicine that I was on really set me back. I felt too overwhelmed to do anything during the day. When I feel overwhelmed I tend to bury myself on the computer. I spend a lot of time on the Internet on Facebook. When I look at the house chores that I have to do I become very overwhelmed because I work up these tasks in my mind into these chores that I can’t possibly do well enough for my perfectionist mind; so, I distract myself from it. The more I distract myself the more the house work piles up, and the more it piles up the more overwhelmed I feel, and the more I distract myself from it. It’s a vicious cycle that is hard to break, and one that I desperately need to break because it is causing damage to my family. Don’t get me wrong; my house isn’t filthy, but it’s not necessarily in a state where I would want people over to the house to see it.
Growing up Jon was very critical of everything, and I always felt like I couldn’t do things well enough. When ever I think about how critical Jon is I always remember this incident…Jon gave me a chore to do then a few minutes later came back to give me another chore to do, and when he came back a few minutes later to give me a third chore to do he got mad at me for not having the other two chores done. Now, I’m not the world’s fastest worker; I’m actually a pretty slow worker. But even then anyone would have needed more time to complete the chores that Jon had given me. Jon is ADD which makes him pretty hyper, but just because I can’t work at his pace doesn’t mean that he has the right to get mad at anyone who can’t keep up with him.
I haven’t been the same ever since I started dealing with the sexual abuse that Jon put me through. Sometimes I wish that I could go back to being that person who I was when I was living in denial. But then I think about all that was going on in my life while I was in denial of the abuse, and I was living in a very dysfunctional home…hence the denial; it was a way of protecting myself from a reality that was too hard for me to handle at the time. So, I guess that I should give myself credit for coming to a place where I can come out of the denial, and to be on my healing journey.
This journey hasn’t been easy, and has taken a real toll on my marriage. It’s very hard for my husband to see me struggling to get better, and to see how the abuse has devastated my sense of self worth. He too struggles with watching me trying to cope with it all, and it has nearly destroyed our marriage. He simply can’t deal with it any more. This DOES NOT mean that his love for me is any less, and that he doesn’t desire to support me in my healing journey. My husband more than anyone wants to see me healed from my past. It has just become too hard for him to deal with something so horrible that has happened to someone whom he loves so much…it’s too overwhelming for him; as it is for most people. This is hard on me too; to not be able to share with him some of the things that are going on with me. But the Lord is my strength, and He will get me through this. I have also learned that when I need to talk that I can turn to the friends that I have made in the support groups that I have been in. These are ladies that have been through similar things as me, and can truly understand what I’m going through. I don’t feel so alone on my journey when I talk with them.
Here is a real way in which the abuse is not only affecting me, but my family. My husband recently told me that he feels like we are growing apart due to the amount of time that I spend on the computer. I tried to explain to him the vicious cycle that I’m in, and I asked him for more understanding while I try to get better. My husband has every right to feel the way that he feels, and I’m so grateful that he continues to support my healing journey and stands by as I try to heal. I did admit that the amount of time that I spend on the computer is a problem that I recognize, and that I am taking steps to fix it. The main reason why I am taking antidepressants is so that I can stop feeling so overwhelmed all the time, and get off the computer, and get things done around the house. That in the back of my mind I’m screaming at myself, “what are you doing!”, “why are you on this thing!”, “you should be in the other room with your family!”, “GET OFF!”. But I feel glued to my chair. It’s not a nice or pleasant feeling…that I am missing out with time that should be spent with playing with my girls, and spending quality family time together. If anything, I will use it to drive me all the more to heal; so that I can give my family the time that they deserve.