Oh, how I was ready to come home after our trip to see family. I was excited to get home and to go into supermom mode…cleaning house faster than a speeding bullet. I figured that THIS TIME I would be able to kick it into gear, and to be able to do all the things that I wanted to do without getting too overwhelmed. But it was not to be I guess. After everything…all the toys, suitcases, and anything else that was brought home made it into the house…the overwhelming / paralyzing feeling just took over. We are blessed with a family that loves to give gifts to the kids, but then where to put it all…and what about laundry…and dishes….oh, and don’t forget the house needs food in it. I guess that I just allowed myself to get bogged down with it all.
A tornado hit the military post where my husband works; so, he’s been called back to work a few days early for the clean up. So, when the girls got into everything and our living room started to look like a tornado zone I knew that my husband wouldn’t want to come home to that. You would think that knowing that would help me get my butt into gear and get to cleaning, but no it didn’t. I was feeling to overwhelmed / paralyzed by that time to be able to do anything. So, he came home, and got to cleaning. The hardest part is seeing the disappointment on his face and body. Once he got it all picked up I was able to pitch in and help some.
Sometimes I sit and wonder how it is that I became this way. I wasn’t like this in high school. I know that I’ve never been that great at keeping up with house work, but I don’t ever remember feeling so overwhelmed that I felt paralyzed. As far as I can tell this problem started when I started dealing with the sexual abuse that I went through, and I long for the days when I didn’t have this problem. But then I have to remind myself that back in the days when I didn’t have this problem I had other problems that were much worse (like sexual abuse and a suicidal mother). I know that I’m gaining some victories over this “feeling so overwhelmed that I’m paralyzed ” feeling, but I can’t help but wish that the fight was over and that I’ve won. I don’t like this fight, and the disappointment that it causes not only with-in myself, but with my husband as well. I don’t know if he realizes just what he did for me the other night when he cleaned up all the toys, and clothes off the floor from our trip. Once I could see the floor again I could feel that paralyzing feeling lifting off of me. He put me in a much better position for being able to tackle the rest of the house. If he had not helped me like that, I don’t know how long it would have taken me to snap out of it…several days too many, would be my guess.
I thank the Lord for giving me the strength to continue with this fight. It’s all too easy for me to just give in to being paralyzed by my feelings of being overwhelmed, and to sit and do nothing all day. I know that’s not God’s will for my life, and it’s not the life that I want to live. God willing, and I think that He is, I will one day win this war.