Our bodies are more than just some abstract form void of our senses. Sight, touch, taste, sound, and smell are all part of our bodies and affected by traumatic experiences; sometimes people forget that. Sometimes we forget how our senses are affected until our bodies remind us.
Not all triggers are avoidable. For the last week I have been dealing with a trigger that has to do with my sense of touch. I thought I was doing good with dealing with this trigger until I broke down and cried the other day. My emotions caught me off guard. Yeah, sure, this trigger was bothering me, but it wasn’t causing me to feel emotional; or so I thought. Right before I went to bed, my phone accidentally fell off of a counter and landed screen down on the tile floor. When it landed the sound was very loud and shocking to me; it really caught me off guard. As I laid down afterwards tears started flowing from my eyes.
I don’t know why nor do I understand why the loud sound affected me so much. It was like the loud sound cracked open a door to let out emotions I wasn’t aware I was holding back. I suppose I’m so used to ignoring how I’m feeling on the inside that I sometimes don’t recognize how much of my emotions I am holding in. They are like secret emotions hiding in the shadows. It can be hard to give myself permission to allow myself to acknowledge those emotions.
I don’t know how long this trigger is going to affect me before I’m able to move forward, and I’m sure it will show it’s ugly head again. My husband had asked me if I would tell him what was wrong and what he could do to help me. I didn’t want to tell him what the trigger is. What I did tell him was that it was something no one could do anything about; I was just going to have to ride out. After all, it can’t last forever. Well, not in the sense that I’ll feel this way everyday for the rest of my life. I know this is a set period of time where I will feel this way. I know eventually this feeling will fade. I also know it’s sure to happen again sometime in the future. For now, I don’t need to worry about being triggered in the future. I just need to ride this one out.