Leah K. – Page 5 – In Search Of Healing

Psychiatrist

Posted on November 1, 2016Leave a comment

A Psychiatrist you say…

Hearing the Physician’s Assistant (PA) tell me she thinks it would be better for me to see a psychiatrist to help me find an antidepressant that would work better for me, was a bit hard to digest. I wasn’t really surprised to hear her suggest a psychiatrist. In fact, I figured she would, but that doesn’t make it easier to digest.

The antidepressant that I’m currently taking just isn’t helping me to function in the way I would like. I’m on such a high dose the PA would rather a psychiatrist help me wean off of it so that I may try something different. I don’t really feel motivated to do anything during the day. Not being motivated to get things done isn’t an option for me. I have a husband, 3 kids (one of which is a toddler), a dog, a house to clean, and an on-line store I’ve opened up. I’m trying my best to balance taking care of my family, and making products for my on-line store. I’ve also had triggers lately that have been hard to deal with.

I know the medication I take isn’t fully helping me in the way I need it to. I know I need to see a psychiatrist who has more knowledge about medications to help me find something which will work better for me. As much as I wish there was a magic pill to make it all better, I know there isn’t one. I really don’t want to need to take medication for the rest of my life, and I pray I won’t have to.

There are very few psychiatrists in my area who take my insurance. Seeing a doctor who is going to be prescribing these types of medications is something to take serious. I don’t want to see the first psychiatrist that pops up on the list. It is important to me to see someone who I feel will make a good fit for me and my goals. I want to already feel somewhat comfortable with this doctor before I even sit down for my first visit. When I as a teenager my mom saw a horrible psychiatrist, and it just about killed her. I know the importance of making sure the psychiatrist I see is good at what they do.

What I’d like:

To not have to drive 30 minutes or more on the highway to get to the doctor’s office
A psychiatrist who specializes in the areas where I have issues (anxiety, depression, PTSD)
Ideally a female; well, because I would feel more comfortable talking to a female
This one is non-negotiable – must take my insurance

After looking on my insurance company’s website at the psychiatrists that are in network I’ve come to two conclusions.

If I want to see a female psychiatrist I better be prepared to drive no less than an hour away on the highway. The psychiatrists that are closer to me that I wanted to see aren’t accepting new patients right now.
Driving an hour or more is not worth it just to make sure the doctor I see is female. As it is, I’m looking at a 30 minute drive on the highway to see any psychiatrist who will take my insurance (whether female or male).

tell me, how does this make you feel?

Well, Doc, it doesn’t cause me to feel all warm and fuzzy; if that’s what you want to know. Reading profiles for doctors who treat “mental illness” can cause feelings of…well, wanting to hide. If you’re like me, and don’t really consider yourself as someone who is dealing with a “mental illness”, but of someone who just needs a little extra help to help you function at your very best; reading psychiatrists profiles can be overwhelming and scary.

It’s scary to read about the different “mental illnesses/disorders” they specialize in, and then to also read about which hospitals they have access to. Suddenly, it felt like I was just about to receive a label I’d rather not have. As though simply walking through the doors to a psychiatrists office is going to label me as crazy, and that I’d be treated as such. I feel judged and labeled; and I haven’t even made an appointment with anyone yet. I can see why people would be worried about the stigma of seeing a psychiatrist. After all, no one wants to be labeled or viewed as being crazy.

I’ve got to remind myself, those are just fears. There is nothing to suggest that I’d be treated as though I’m crazy. No one is going to give me a nice white jacket that helps me hug myself. Yes, a psychiatrist is trained to recognize all different types of mental illnesses and disorders; to know which medicine should be helpful in those situations. I’ve got to believe they are also trained to help those like me who need just a little extra help; who need to see a doctor who has knowledge beyond the popular prescribed medicines.

This is what I’m going to do. I’m going to look up reviews for the psychiatrists who take my insurance. I’m going to read those reviews with an open mind, and an understanding that any one review may not be a fair characterization of that psychiatrist’s practice; to look for patterns of complaints as well as complements. When available, I’m going to read statements from these psychiatrists where they talk about their desire to help people. I want to get a sense of who the doctor is before I see them. I want to feel as though I’m seeing someone who isn’t going to judge me for needing their help. I want to feel as though I’m seeing someone who wants to help people like me who need a little extra help, and aren’t looking for the next crazy person to diagnose and lock up.

Sleep Do You Love Me or Do You Love Me Not?

Posted on October 23, 2016Leave a comment

I have such a love hate relationship with sleep. I’m constantly feeling tired or fatigued all day long. During the day, on most days, I’d love for nothing more than a nap. With an almost 3 year old at home who doesn’t care to nap; getting a nap in doesn’t happen too much.

Then the night comes, and my mind decides it’s a great time to be awake. The closer it gets to me needing to go to bed, the more energy I have, and the more I feel like doing things. I find myself wanting to avoid going to sleep. I double check the doors to make sure they are locked.

Night time was a very dangerous time for me when I was being abused. Although, most of the abuse took place during the day; it was the night that I feared the most. I usually avoid going into this due to the embarrassment and shame I feel over things my step-dad brainwashed me into believing. He made it so that reality wasn’t what I could remember, but what he said it was. Without going into too much detail, it was the things he said were happening to me at night while I slept that scared me the most. He would assure me that I would be watched for the rest of my life, and there was nothing that could be done to stop “them” from getting to me anytime “they” wanted to. I slept with the light on in my room for about a year. It was the only thing that helped me get any sleep.

Going to sleep at night just doesn’t feel safe to me, and I don’t know if that will ever change. It takes me about 30 minutes to an hour to fall asleep at night, and that is even when I’m wrapped in my husband’s arms; the place I feel the safest. Even when I’m tired and want to go to bed, as soon as I lay down, my mind decides to wake-up just enough for me to feel awake enough for me to have a hard time going to sleep. I have one of those minds that just doesn’t know how to turn off at night.

As every coin has two sides; so does this. There are times when I don’t realize how tired I am until I lay down. My mind feels awake, and I don’t feel like going to sleep; however, I know I must go to sleep so I’m not too tired and cranky the next day. Once I lay down and try to relax it seems as though my mind finally is able to acknowledge how tired I am. Perhaps, it’s the first time during the day I’ve allowed my mind to relax enough for me to realize I’m tired. I’m not sure why my mind works this way, but it does.

Stress does play a big roll in all of this. Sometimes I feel so mentally exhausted all I want to do, and can do is sleep. The image that comes to mind is that of a child picking pedals off of a flower saying, “he loves me; he loves me not”. Sleep do you love me or do you love me not?

Poor Judgments of Judges – Part 2

Posted on October 14, 2016Leave a comment

Here’s another example of a judge who is worried more about the rapist than he is about the victim in the case of the Palmer High School student who raped 2 girls, and is getting no significant punishment at all. David Becker will not spend one second in jail and will not have to register as a sex offender because the judge wants him to be able to enjoy the college experience. <click here to read the article>

Let’s not forget the disastrous, ruling in the Brock Turner case. He was caught sexually assaulting an unconscious woman behind a dumpster, and when confronted he tried to run away. He was sentenced to only 6 months prison time, and ended up serving only 3 months of that 6 month prison time. <click here to read one of the articles> I have written two posts about this case. You can read these posts here: Part 1 and Part 2.

In the two cases of David Becker and Brock Turner, their supporters sight their accomplishments in their sports fields as a testament of their character. I don’t know how a person’s athletic success determines whether or not a person is capable of a crime, or should mean they shouldn’t have to face real consequences for criminal actions. Their supporters worry how actual consequences to the criminal acts they have committed will effect the future of these two guys. I don’t understand how people can ignore the life time effects victims will have to face due to no fault of their own, but because of a choice someone else made. The one who makes the choice to violate another does not face more nor harsher life altering effects than the victim. It’s high time the justice system stops acting as though the rapist’s life is harmed more than the victim.

Yes, the rapist’s life is altered and changed; however, they are the only ones responsible for that change. They were the ones who made the choice to violate another person, and as such they should face those consequences. People and Judges need to stop acting as though a predator and rapist doesn’t make the choice to violate another as though it’s just some mysterious thing that magically happens; which makes them just as innocent as the victim…in fact they are victims too [can you picture my eyes rolling in the back of my head because they are]. People need to get their heads out of their own butts, and realize these predators made a choice to violate another person. They may argue the predator made a poor judgment. This goes beyond poor judgement. Regardless if it was “poor judgement” or whatever you want to call it; it doesn’t change the fact that it was still a choice. Their victims sure don’t have a choice nor the luxury of not having to face the consequences of being violated in such a horrible and unthinkable way. Victims not only pay the highest price for what another person has chosen to do to them, but they also carry the heaviest burden for it.

Poor Judgments of Judges – Part 1

Poor Judgment Of Judges – Part 1

Posted on October 11, 2016Leave a comment

I’m so sick of seeing headlines where judges are giving what amounts to a free pass to predators. I read an article about a judge in the UK who spared jail time to a guy, Richard Arrowsmith, who’s computer was full of child pornographic pictures and videos. The reason why this judge spared jail time is absolute asinine; he spared this guy jail time so this predator could start a family of his own!!! How could this judge possibly think it’s okay to let this man have kids!!! I suppose the authorities in the UK won’t have to worry about this guy downloading child pornography because they are allowing him to have a child of his own to abuse. <click here to read the article>

Richard Arrowsmith admitted to downloading child pornography over the last 4 years. Just incase there may be someone out there who thinks, “He’s only been doing it for 4 years. That’s not too bad”. Here’s a look at the amount of child pornography he had on his computer at the time it was sized; Here’s a quote from the article:

a large number could not be categorised due to the sheer amount of movies and pictures, including 4,336 videos and 137,000 images…Overall there were 1,692 movies and images ranging from Category A [which is the worst] to C as well as the 4,336 videos and 137,000 images that remained uncategorised.

Richard Arrowsmith was only sentenced to 10 months in prison [which was suspended so he could start a family of his own], ordered to pay £250 [which is about $309], and ordered to work 160 unpaid hours, abide by curfew hours, register as a sex offender, and is banned from working with children!!

Let that sink in. He is banned from ever working with children, but the judge is suspending his prison sentence so he and his wife can have children!! How does that make any sense at all!! The judge sighted Arrowsmith’s “good” record since he doesn’t have prior convictions as a rational for suspending the prison sentence. This is a bit of a sore spot for me. My step-dad didn’t have a prior criminal record of sexually assaulting children or anyone for that matter; Does that make him less of a threat to others? No! Not at all. I find it beyond naive to think just because a person doesn’t have a prior criminal record of abuse this somehow makes them: a safe person, a good person who made a bad mistake; someone who you can still trust to not assault someone again; to act as though what they did was no big deal; etc.

Child pornography is far from a victimless crime! There are real children being abused who need rescuing in those pictures and videos. Downloading such horrible images and videos tells the person who is doing the physical abusing what they are doing is acceptable and wanted by others; thus creating a community of support for the abusers. A person who gets aroused by child pornography is no less of a threat than a person who physically abuses a child; they are simply a time-bomb ready to go off when the right opportunity presents it’s self.

What is wrong with all these judges who keep making these horrible rulings? They seem to want to take away the stigma of the “Sex Offender” label as though it’s not (or shouldn’t be) a big deal to be a sex offender. I wonder if these judges take even a nano-second to consider the message they are sending?

To victims they are saying what they have gone through isn’t a big deal; their healing, and ability to see the person who has violated them be held accountable isn’t important; because making sure the predator isn’t scarred by the “Sex Offender” label is more important…(<insert heavy sarcasm>) you know because being abused or assaulted doesn’t scar a person at all. It tells people why bother reporting abuse or an assault because nothing will be done anyways. The effort simply won’t seem worth it. Victims will think, “Why bother reporting it. The system will treat me like crap, and for what? To either see nothing at all be done, or to see something that amounts to less than a wrist slap as a form of accountability for what the perpetrator has done”.

To the public at large, it says, “Hey you got nothing to really worry about. Saying alcohol was involved in some way, that you were just having some fun, or I just looked at those pictures and videos. I didn’t create or distribute them. Will all be enough to get you out of this predicament that you are in. Don’t worry about that “Sex Offender” label because we are working on making it no big deal so you won’t have to worry about it”. Rape culture is only perpetuate by these slap on the wrist sentences. People of the world will never take rape and abuse seriously if the justice systems of the world doesn’t take it seriously.

A Trigger Of The Senses

Posted on August 30, 2016Leave a comment

Our bodies are more than just some abstract form void of our senses. Sight, touch, taste, sound, and smell are all part of our bodies and affected by traumatic experiences; sometimes people forget that. Sometimes we forget how our senses are affected until our bodies remind us.

Not all triggers are avoidable. For the last week I have been dealing with a trigger that has to do with my sense of touch. I thought I was doing good with dealing with this trigger until I broke down and cried the other day. My emotions caught me off guard. Yeah, sure, this trigger was bothering me, but it wasn’t causing me to feel emotional; or so I thought. Right before I went to bed, my phone accidentally fell off of a counter and landed screen down on the tile floor. When it landed the sound was very loud and shocking to me; it really caught me off guard. As I laid down afterwards tears started flowing from my eyes.

I don’t know why nor do I understand why the loud sound affected me so much. It was like the loud sound cracked open a door to let out emotions I wasn’t aware I was holding back. I suppose I’m so used to ignoring how I’m feeling on the inside that I sometimes don’t recognize how much of my emotions I am holding in. They are like secret emotions hiding in the shadows. It can be hard to give myself permission to allow myself to acknowledge those emotions.

I don’t know how long this trigger is going to affect me before I’m able to move forward, and I’m sure it will show it’s ugly head again. My husband had asked me if I would tell him what was wrong and what he could do to help me. I didn’t want to tell him what the trigger is. What I did tell him was that it was something no one could do anything about; I was just going to have to ride out. After all, it can’t last forever. Well, not in the sense that I’ll feel this way everyday for the rest of my life. I know this is a set period of time where I will feel this way. I know eventually this feeling will fade. I also know it’s sure to happen again sometime in the future. For now, I don’t need to worry about being triggered in the future. I just need to ride this one out.