I recently had a good talk with my mom. I had the opportunity to talk to her some about forgiveness of others and forgiveness of ourselves. I got to talk to her about how un-forgiveness keeps us tied, bound, and chained to the one who did us wrong. To truly be free from them we must forgive. The only one harmed by un-forgiveness is ourselves. The other person moves on with their life completely unaware of our anger or they simply don’t care about our anger towards them. Either way they are not harmed by our un-forgiveness. Only we are harmed by our un-forgiveness because all that anger wrecks havoc on our lives and our health. I have lots more to say about forgiveness and un-forgiveness, but I will save it for later.
I shared with her that I am working very hard to let go of my anger towards her, and that I do not want to be angry at her. She asked me if I felt like she had ever minimized what happened to me, and I told her yes. I shared with her the one quote of hers that is the hardest one for me to move past…”I can’t believe that Jon hated ME so much that he would do that to you”. She doesn’t even remember saying this to me. She apologized to me for anything that she has said or done to make me feel as though she was minimizing what was done to me. She went on to explain that comments like that come from a depressed state of mind. That when you are in a depressed state of mind like that everything becomes self centered and self focused. She told me that it is much easier for her to look at how it has affected her because it’s unbearable for her to look at the ways in which it has affected me. That actually gave me some clarity and understanding of her behaviors and actions.
We both took the time to reassure each other of some things. I reassured her that even though at times I may withdraw from her, I will not withdraw my love from her. That I may not always know how to deal with her in a healthy way, and that if she has any ideas on how I can find a healthier way of interacting with her to please let me know. My mom reassured me that she is not looking to me to feel good about herself…and, oh, how I needed to hear that. She told me that she is working hard to become a healthy person, and that she wants to have a healthy relationship with me. I really feel like our talked opened us up to more and better communication with each other. I let her know that it may take time for me to learn how to trust her “new” behaviors, and to not think that there are motives behind it which are aimed at making me responsible for her happiness. My mom was ok with that, and told me to take my time. The conversation we had was good for both of us, and provided some healing to each of us as well.