Leah K. – Page 4 – In Search Of Healing

This Is Me

Posted on April 30, 2017Leave a comment

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month; I thought it would be fitting to end it by sharing some of my story with all of you and why it’s so important to me to share my journey.

Why It’s So Important To Me

One thing all survivors have in common is that we all feel as though we are alone in what we have been though. While everyone’s story is unique, we also share many things in common; such as the emotional toll being abused or assaulted takes on each and every one of us. After many years’ I decided to start In Search Of Healing to share my story and to help others not feel so alone. I want to help others realize they are not alone through sharing not only my story but by also sharing my healing journey.

When I first started dealing with my abuse I tried finding books to read to help me figure out what to do; I’m an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse…now what? I didn’t quite know what to do with myself once I started to deal with the abuse. There was a lot to deal with; not only the abusive acts themselves but there was also a lot of brainwashing involved in the abuse I went through. I wanted to read books to help me figure it out; how I was supposed deal with it all. The only books I could find had to do with helping a child who has disclosed that they have been abused. I read the same things over and over again, “Tell them it’s not their fault; that you love them, and believe them”. I thought, that’s all well and good if you’re helping a child, but I was that child and am an adult now; so, now what do I do? Even though I was in counseling I felt lost and was looking for some direction and could not find any. As time went on, I thought, surly I am not the only one who is looking for some direction and unable to find any. Over the years’ I have come across many books; some published a while ago, but most have been more recent. As the topic of sexual abuse/assault becomes talked about more in our society, resources and books on this topic also become more publicized and easier to find. I want my blog to be a place where survivors can get a sense that they are not alone, and for it to be a place for survivors to find the resources they may be looking for.

Here’s Some Of My Story

The sexual abuse I went through went on for about a year and a half to about two years by a man who was my stepdad at the time. He took extreme advantage of my innocence and of my naiveté. All my life I had always believed the adults in my life had my best interest at heart; this meant they wouldn’t lie to me, deceive me, or harm me, but would protect me and be honest with me. That they would be truth tellers. My stepdad took advantage of my lack of knowledge and unformed opinions on certain things to mold it into a view that served his desire to sexually abuse me and to keep me quiet. He knew my ex-stepmother had security clearance with her job, and that I didn’t know what kinds of things she did. He knew when my ex-stepmom and my dad divorced I was no longer in contact with her; so, I would have no way to confirm with her the things he would tell me. He used his history of working in the aerospace industry and his knowledge of electronics against my lack of knowledge of how these things worked. Along with his claims of working with the government; with the NSA to be exact. My mom and I weren’t the only ones to know about his security clearance, others who knew him also knew he had security clearance. He would control the types of TV shows we watched, and made sure we watched shows that had to do with government conspiracies and aliens.

Sharing about the brainwashing aspect of my abuse is not easy for me. It’s hard for me to share this aspect of my abuse because I know how easy it would be for others to judge me for it. I know most people probably wouldn’t have believed his lies, but I did believe it. I know the lies he told me sound outrageous and unbelievable to most. The thing to remember is: I was conditioned to believe these outrageous and unbelievable lies. He also used my mother’s declining mental health to his advantage by telling me the government was messing with her medication to make her suicidal, and as long as I cooperated they would stop when they were done with me. There were many threats made to the safety of family members and even threats of framing me for murder if I ever spoke out. He started off by telling me my ex-stepmother had enrolled me into a secret government program where I was given something which they wanted back. They were contacting him because my dad and ex-stepmom had divorced and she was no longer in contact with me. Having no knowledge or memory of anything he was telling me, and no way to talk to my ex-stepmom about what I was being told, reality became subjected to what he said happened and not on what I could remember. Memories could be erased and even faked; this left me feeling I had little choice but to trust him. Lying goes so much against the core of who I am that I cannot understand why someone would lie to the extent that my stepdad did; I just don’t understand how someone could do that. His lies were so out there, and yes, I did question the things he was saying to me. Questioning him only caused me more harm because every time I did I would get sexually assaulted. I learned to stop asking questions because it caused too much trouble for me. Believing his lies was also a way to survive what I was going through; it became easier to believe his lies than to face the truth of what was happening to me. I was in survival mode.

Any sense of safety I had was stripped away from me, believing things were being done to me in my sleep, and having been told over and over again how “they” could get to me at anytime, anywhere, and there was NOTHING that could stop it. Knowing I would be watched for the rest of my life, and there was nothing that could keep me safe. I slept with the light on for about six months to possibly a year thinking it was the only thing that could have any chance of keep me safe somehow. My stepdad once made a joke saying, “They have you open like a 7/11” and joking about how he could almost fit his whole fist inside of me (we are talking about an overweight 6-foot man).

This is just a glimpse into the abuse I went through. The combination of sexual abuse and brainwashing is something I don’t see talked about. It’s extremely difficult to share this aspect of my abuse. I know there have to be others out there who have experienced brainwashing as part of their abuse, and for them (and for me) shame and fear of being judged and dismissed are no doubt a major factor in keeping silent about this aspect of abuse (and possibly could be keeping them quiet about being abused all together). It was scary for me when I brought my case to the police fearing I wouldn’t be taken seriously due to the bizarre aspects of my abuse. I would like to see more education given from groups who spread sexual assault education about brainwashing and sexual abuse to help those who have been through it to feel more comfortable with coming forward and seeking help without the added fear of being rejected because of some bizarre aspect of their abuse.

These Fears…

Posted on April 17, 2017Leave a comment

I have this problem. I feel responsible for the man who abused me. It’s like the weirdest parental role in existence; being the “parent” of a narcissist for whom I have to make sure everyone sees him for who he really is, and to make sure he never harms another person EVER…well, perhaps it’s more like being the warden. It’s strange how reporting the abuse to the police and testifying in court still doesn’t feel as though I’ve done enough to protect others from him. This has caused of a lot of anxiety for me; to constantly be worrying about how much stuff he is getting away with while on probation. Notice* I said “how much he IS getting away with” and not “IF he is getting away with anything”. For me it’s not a matter of if he will try to get away with something he’s not supposed to be doing while on probation, but a matter of will he get away with it. You see, my abuser thinks he’s smarter than everyone around him, just like a true narcissist. So, I have no doubts he thinks he’s smart enough to get away with things, and it will be a matter of is he getting away with it or not.

Is he being monitored closely enough? Another one of those anxiety inducing questions I often ask myself. Then there’s the question I ask myself the most that is probably one of the most anxiety inducing questions: Who’s going to make sure he doesn’t harm anyone once his probation ends? I’d be happy with probation for life; however, I don’t see that happening. My greatest concern (perhaps, more like greatest nightmare) is that he will try to harm another person and there will be no one there to stop him.

His probation ends in 3 years, and the closer it gets the higher my anxiety is about it. When his probation ends so too does the no contact order, and that terrifies me. Intellectually I know he will leave me alone once his probation ends, but the fear of him that I have says otherwise. I talked with my counselor about these fears. She pointed out all these fears I have are over things I cannot control. I have ZERO control over his actions. I CANNOT control whether or not he gets away with things while on probation. I CANNOT control him and keep him from harming another person, and it’s not my responsibility to do so! It is his responsibility to not harm others, and those around him need to be vigilant. While it’s unlikely he will contact me, I CANNOT stop him from doing so. What I CAN do is take self-defense classes or perhaps practice shooting at a gun range. I can do things to help me feel confident about my ability to protect myself and my family.

What I need to do is focus on what I can control, instead of focusing on things I cannot control. I bet many of you are rolling your eyes right about now because you have heard that said so many times. It’s easy advice for someone to give especially when perhaps they don’t understand how much harm you have been through, and the fear and anxiety you are dealing with. These fears and anxieties may cause a deep need for you to want to control situations out of an even deeper desire to simply want to feel safe. It can even become easy advice from someone who has gone through what you are experiencing. They have been though their own hell and know the freedom of letting go of what you cannot control, and know how curtail this step is. They most likely aren’t claiming it’s easy, but what they are saying is it’s necessary. What isn’t talked about is how to reach that seemingly magical place where you can let go of such deep-rooted fears; the kind of fears that leave a desire to control things so that you can have a sense of safety…something that was stolen from you. I wish I could tell you how to reach that wondrous and magical place.

All I can offer is to share with you how my journey on this is going. I’m starting to gain a deeper knowledge and understanding of just how much these fears and the need to control these fears (aka to control my abuser and all that goes on around him) has been and is affecting my ability to function the way I want to. I’m starting to truly see how it is tainting everything going on within me and the effects it has not just on my life but on the way in which I live my life with those most precious to me…my husband and three kids. I try to be present and active with them both physically and mentally, however, it often feels like a challenge I am losing. I am pretty good at not isolating myself physically, but horrible at not isolating my self mentally. This keeps me from being the interactive wife and mother I desire to be, and keeps me depressed that I fail to do so. I’m seeing and understanding the price I am paying for holding onto this need to control is devastating my life. I cannot afford to allow this devastation to continue.

I keep repeating phrases like, “I’m seeing and understanding”, “I’m starting to”, I’m truly seeing” because it’s not an understanding that solely is in my mind, but a much deeper understanding which compels me to change. Without feeling compelled to change there would be no change. I would have knowledge and know change is necessary, but would feel powerless to make any changes. My counselor talks to me about the importance for me to work on my thoughts. When my mind goes to places, it shouldn’t be going to she talked to me about working on saying to myself “nope, I don’t need to go there” and then redirecting my thoughts to things I can control or onto a different topic all together. The more I practice this the better I’ll get at it. There is no switch to turn on to suddenly control your thoughts. It’s a skill that has to be developed and practiced over time. The other thing which is helping me, is I finally feel as though I’m on the right combination of antidepressant and anxiety medication. This is crucial for me because depression and anxiety cause chemical and hormonal imbalances in the brain which can make it much more difficult to work on those thinking skills that are so crucial to getting better. My medication helps to correct those imbalances so I can not only function the way I want to, but also helps me to work on my healing journey in the way I not only want to but need to. Being on the right medication is helping me to practice those crucial thinking skills I need; so, one day when I no longer need medication I will have those important skills needed to successfully be off of the medication.

When I started writing this post I thought the problem was with me feeling responsible for my abuser. A responsibility where if he does anything wrong or hurts another person the responsibility for it would fall on me for not finding a way to keep others safe from him. I did not view these anxieties I was having about him getting off of probation as worrying about things I could not control, but viewed the end of probation as a loss of safety not just for me but for all of society. With each fear looked at individually, my counselor was able to help me see how each fear was over something I could not control. Now I recognize what I need to do when these fears and anxieties show up. So, for now I’ll try to not focus on how fast these next 3 years will go by, or on all these things that worry me about my abuser getting off of probation. I can look at these next 3 years as the perfect opportunity to work on redirecting my thoughts from things I cannot control to what I can control.

This Is Just 1 Thing

Posted on January 25, 2017Leave a comment

Have you ever been in a place where there is so much going on in your mind you don’t even know how to put it into words? I feel like that’s where I am right now.

This Is Just 1 Thing Occupying My Mind Right Now

I’ve been having horrible dreams about my ex-stepdad getting off of probation. It’s coming to an end way too fast for me; I wish 2020 wasn’t coming so fast. The thought of him getting off of probation scares the crap out of me. I find comfort in knowing he cannot legally contact me or come anywhere near me. When his probation ends so does the no contact order and that terrifies me.

When his probation ends he can live near schools, playgrounds, and go to places where people who are 18 and younger congregate. He is listed as a low risk offender. I believe to the very core of me, he is not a low risk offender. I believe he is a risk to teenagers, and will offend again with the right circumstances. He’s a narcissistic habitual lair who has a desire to surround himself with people whom he can manipulate. He sees himself as someone who is smarter than those around him, where he can say and do anything and get away with it; he is the puppeteer.

When my ex-stepdad got out of prison, I felt as though evil had just been let loose; I have the same feeling about him getting off of probation. He will be out there with no oversight except for his annual updating of his registration on the sex offender website. I’ve seen him mislead people about who he really is for so many years. I have always been fearful of him getting away with things in the legal system with all his habitual lying and manipulation; with his ability to so easily mislead people. I know so much of this seems as though it’s all just a rant of irrational fears. Irrational or not, I’ve seen him get away with so much stuff, and have witnessed him fool so many people. I know what he is capable of.

I don’t know how the legal system determines if a person is a low risk offender or not. What I do know is: he told me if I said anything the government would have members of my family killed (in a way so it would look like an accident); if I didn’t comply when I was told to I would be abducted; he had me hold a rifle and test how easy the trigger was and after I did that he told me if I ever said anything the rifle would be used to kill someone and frame me for it since it now had my finger prints on it; that documents were being doctored to have me taken away from my mom if I ever spoke out. I was told I would never be safe from those who wanted to get to me. This is just a small sample of the mental games he played with me. For a time, he would tell me to close my eyes, place a pill in my hand, and told me take the pill. I never saw what these pills looked like. Between the psychical act of the abuses and the mental brainwashing he did, I just don’t understand how anyone like my ex-stepdad could be considered a low risk offender. Is he low risk simply because I am the only KNOWN victim of his? How can risk be determined based off of the number of KNOWN victims? This truly baffles me! I don’t understand how our system can say he is a low risk. Is it because he is getting older, and is in his mid to late 50’s? How does that matter? His age will not prevent him from hurting others. How can his risk level be based off of his age? I would love to be able to sit down with someone who assess risk levels and ask them these questions and more.

This is just one topic that is keeping my mind occupied.

Want to be involved?

I am actually considering finding someone who I can ask these and other questions to. I’m interested in what kinds of questions you would have if given the opportunity to talk to someone in the legal system who deals with risk assessment of sex offenders. Feel free to leave your questions in the comments section.

Sweeping Under The Rug

Posted on January 22, 2017Leave a comment

Quite often we think if we sweep something under the rug it will go away. All those things we sweep under the rug eventually pile-up, and we end up with a lumpy, bumpy rug which we trip over whenever we walk across it. Sometimes it’s best to address situations when we come across them, instead of sweeping it under the rug.

Don’t Play With The Tiger!

Posted on December 13, 2016Leave a comment

There is a couple who have and care for a variety of wild animals. One day while out walking, you came across the wife who was walking a tiger. The urge to pet it was too great, and you ask if you can pet the tiger. You quickly discover this cute but very large cat is not to be taken lightly as it reaches out for you. If you aren’t paying attention you might think the tiger is trying to act like a playful kitten instead of the mighty hunter that it is. You cautiously reach out to pet the tiger, careful to not let it grab or bite you. As you reach out and pet the tiger someone close to you comes over to pet it too. They, however, don’t seem to be paying attention to the aggressive posture of the tiger, and proceed to reach out to pet the tiger as though it was a big ‘ole kitten. You see the tiger grab their arm and start biting down on it. You tried to let them know to be careful, but they continued to allow the tiger to grab their arm and bit down on it.

Not everyone is capable of handling the same situation in the same kind of manner. This is especially true when it comes to trauma, abuse and unhealthy dynamics.

Some may be able to apply caution when dealing with dysfunctional situations/people or when a trigger pops up. Others may be unable to or refuse to see situations for what they are, and find themselves on the receiving end of emotional or physical pain. It can become increasingly frustrating when trying to help them to see and acknowledge what they are doing is letting a tiger chew on them. They have decided to play with the tiger.

Then there are those who have moved beyond not being able to see the situation for what it is, or only being able to cautiously apply a defensive position (this is like playing with fire and trying not to get burned). These people have learned how to “tame the beast” so to speak. They have learned how to walk with their past; in complete control of it in their present. Sounds pretty awesome, doesn’t it?

Although sometimes the control we think we have over how our past affects us is purely an outwardly appearance we take for a walk, for others to see, because we want them to think our past doesn’t affect us. In our hyper-vigilance to feel in control of what is around us we may pounce, growl, and verbally snip at others; we release our tiger past.

If we were to be honest, I’m including myself here, we all can assume a tiger on a leash is really the one in control; it can choose to attack at any moment with nothing to stop it. I think it’s a fine line between walking with your past (your “tiger”) while keeping control over your present, and trying to appear to be in control of your past. It can be a thin hard line to walk.

There is a place, more often than not, I wonder if it is a place of fantasy; the land of Oz. A place where we can release our “tiger” past. Where our past is free to be where it belongs, in our past. Not messing with our present. No need to put on the appearance of being “over” our past. In reality we have no control over our past, though we may try. We may walk around with our past on a leash trying to believe we are the one’s in control. We may feel we can control the dysfunction around us. Truth be told: we cannot.

Fantasy or not the ultimate journey would be to take our “tiger” past to a safe place where we can release it. Just as in the wild, a tiger is only truly free when it is allowed to simply be. Learning to allow our past to simply be, to allow it to just exist is how we truly free ourselves from it. The past is what it is and nothing can ever change it. When we allow our past to just exist, we are freeing ourselves from it by allowing our past to live in the past and not in our present. Oh, how I often wonder if this is just a thing to be hoped for, a goal to be achieved, or if it exists only in the land of Oz.