Okay, so I have to admit that I’m pretty anxious about this holiday season. I have this irrational fear of running into my aunt while we are in town for Thanksgiving, and of her trying to contact us over the holidays. I don’t like it when I feel unprepared for possible situations; even if they are extremely unlikely. There is a lot going on right now, and with us visiting some family this Thanksgiving I’m having some anxiety issues. This will be the first holiday season since my aunt decided to walk away from us, and I’m not sure what to expect. I don’t plan on seeing her or talking to her in any way. My mind likes to live in the world of “What If”, and it drives my anxiety up. I really wish I could keep my mind out of the world of “What If”. For instance, what if my aunt tries to go through my mom to try to give us messages or send us gifts. I know this must sound so trivial and unimportant to most of you. For me though, it is still all about boundaries, and still feeling hypersensitive at the thought of having to deal with my aunt.
This is a really big IF, I know. However, if we were to accept anything from my aunt it would be her buying her way back into our lives. Which is part of the problem already. Our love cannot be bought. We cannot be bought. It would be accepting her terms, and unhealthy boundaries as part of her having any part in our lives. It would invalidate everything I tried to accomplish in my letter to her. There would be no point in trying to establish boundaries with her, if we are going to still accept things from her.
I’m not trying to be mean or viciously hurt her feelings in any way. I have to stick to my boundaries that I have tried to establish with her. The price for being in our lives is having a relationship with healthy boundaries. She would have to prove to me at this point that she is truly working on having healthy boundaries, and not just with words but with actions too.
Honestly, I’m not ready for her to be in our lives. The way she obsessed over a picture of my kids; where she obsessively called and texted me asking if my six year old had one or two missing teeth in the picture. It completely freaks me out! I still cannot get past it, and don’t know if I can. It just doesn’t feel safe to me. I know that’s the abuse survivor in me talking, and wanting to make sure I keep my kids safe.