About a month ago as I was sitting at church listening to my pastor when he said something that has really stuck with me. He said, “Our mess is not meant to be our ministry; it’s meant to be our miracle”. This sent my mind spinning. I have always said that I would find the good that would come from the abuse I have experienced; that I would help others who have gone through what I have been through. There is nothing wrong with that, but it just is not the right focus for me at this time. In other words, I was looking for my mess to become my ministry.
This mindset of making my mess be my ministry that I have carried with me has kept me from fully letting go of what happened to me. I felt I had to hold onto the abuse in some ways. That I would need to remember the hurt to help others. It was as if, helping others (trying to make good come out of the bad) was my way of trying to justify what happened to me. Trying to find a way to make what happened to me be okay. The truth of the matter is that no matter how many people I may help, what happened to me will never be okay. It will never be okay to sexually abuse a child.
I realized this mindset was holding me back from moving forward in my healing journey. I need to let the mess of my past become my miracle first before it can ever become anything else. Most days I just want to hide in my own space bubble and hide from what I perceive as all my short comings as a wife, mother, and as a productive member of society. My miracle to me would be to feel as though I function like a normal human being. To not struggle to get things done during the day; mainly keeping up with house work. To have the mental energy to be more consistent with my kids. To feel as though I’m being the best wife and mother that I can be. To be able to manage my time so that I can spend more time writing and making jewelry; while still giving the attention to my family that they deserve. There are days where I feel as though I’m frustratingly close to achieving this goal, and it is my main focus right now. By allowing myself to let go of a ministry that is not mine, and one I do not need to be focused on; I am freeing myself from the pressure of it. This helps me feel less stressed. With less stress I have more mental energy for working on living my life in a way that I feel good about. I have more time to focus on my miracle, and am able to give myself permission to feel good about where I’m at.