Leah K. – Page 3 – In Search Of Healing

What The Recent Reports Of Sexual Harassment And Assault Are Showing Us

Posted on November 21, 2017Leave a comment

There have been a rash of reports in the news lately of sexual harassment and sexual assault. It seems like every day there is a new report coming out. These reports are showing how wide spread of an issue this is and the need for a conversation of how to address sexual harassment and sexual assault on a national stage.

Here are some of the things these reports show:

How wide spread it is.
It affects both men and women.
All industries are affected. There have been at least 25 men in Hollywood accused of sexual harassment and sexual assault. There have been members of the media accused, along with Politicians (to include accusations against the President before he was elected), a restaurant executive, a Head of Amazon Studios, YouTube stars, a geologist on expedition to Antarctica, it’s been widely reported on college campuses, and even to include Mariah Carey of being accused of sexual harassment by one of her bodyguards.
Both men and women are capable of sexual harassment and assault as the accusation against Mariah Carey shows.
It’s a big problem that needs to have a national conversation.
Sometimes all it takes is one brave victim to speak out for other victims to feel safe to tell their stories.

The attitude of boys will be boys has greatly contributed to the culture of sexual harassment and sexual assault we see today. The fruit of this thinking is shown with the idea that if a woman is pretty, is dressed a certain way, or even by virtue of her being a woman is reason enough to give cat calls, say inappropriate things, or to touch her in an inappropriate way is “okay” because women “like” getting attention, and is looked at as “just flirting”. Men need to understand that certain “types” of flirting is not really flirting, it’s disrespectful behavior, and is not acceptable. We need to have a discussion on a national level about changing attitudes that many men have towards women. Women are not objects to satisfy men’s desires nor are we objects to fuel their egos. This is another root cause of today’s sexual assault and sexual harassment culture. A lot of these mindsets start off in subtle ways and then mature into more harmful ways.

There is another culture forming that is just as harmful as the boys will be boys attitude. It’s something I’m seeing more and more of. Women giving cat calls towards men, making comments about how “good” or “sexy” a man looks with his shirt off or how “hot” his muscles are; after all, men “love” getting attention from women. These are the same types of attitudes men have towards women that manifest in such inappropriate and harmful ways. With these attitudes and behaviors becoming more common among women, I think we will start seeing reports of sexual harassment and sexual assault against women become more widely reported. As women we need to recognize that if these behaviors came from men we would be offended (as we should be). Therefore, we need to remind each other that if these behaviors would be inappropriate for men to do then it is equally inappropriate for women to do. Just because it is behavior we may see coming from men does not make it okay for us to do; it only adds to this culture of sexual harassment and assault that we are dealing with today.

This goes beyond acknowledging someone is good looking, we all have eyeballs that work. We need to address why it is so easy to dismiss or attack a victim when they speak out instead of supporting them; why is it that the burden of shame too often lands on the victim instead of the predator. This is why a conversation on a national level needs to happen to address attitudes of what is and is not acceptable behavior towards others. Sexual assault and sexual harassment is not, at its core, about one person being attracted to another person, but most often an issue of control and dominance over others. We need to address as a society how these mindsets and attitudes are being cultivated and protected to create a safe haven in our society.

Mess to Miracle

Posted on November 8, 2017Leave a comment

About a month ago as I was sitting at church listening to my pastor when he said something that has really stuck with me. He said, “Our mess is not meant to be our ministry; it’s meant to be our miracle”. This sent my mind spinning. I have always said that I would find the good that would come from the abuse I have experienced; that I would help others who have gone through what I have been through. There is nothing wrong with that, but it just is not the right focus for me at this time. In other words, I was looking for my mess to become my ministry.

This mindset of making my mess be my ministry that I have carried with me has kept me from fully letting go of what happened to me. I felt I had to hold onto the abuse in some ways. That I would need to remember the hurt to help others. It was as if, helping others (trying to make good come out of the bad) was my way of trying to justify what happened to me. Trying to find a way to make what happened to me be okay. The truth of the matter is that no matter how many people I may help, what happened to me will never be okay. It will never be okay to sexually abuse a child.

I realized this mindset was holding me back from moving forward in my healing journey. I need to let the mess of my past become my miracle first before it can ever become anything else. Most days I just want to hide in my own space bubble and hide from what I perceive as all my short comings as a wife, mother, and as a productive member of society. My miracle to me would be to feel as though I function like a normal human being. To not struggle to get things done during the day; mainly keeping up with house work. To have the mental energy to be more consistent with my kids. To feel as though I’m being the best wife and mother that I can be. To be able to manage my time so that I can spend more time writing and making jewelry; while still giving the attention to my family that they deserve. There are days where I feel as though I’m frustratingly close to achieving this goal, and it is my main focus right now. By allowing myself to let go of a ministry that is not mine, and one I do not need to be focused on; I am freeing myself from the pressure of it. This helps me feel less stressed. With less stress I have more mental energy for working on living my life in a way that I feel good about. I have more time to focus on my miracle, and am able to give myself permission to feel good about where I’m at.

The Great Counselor

Posted on October 17, 2017Leave a comment

Isaiah 9:6 is where we learn Jesus is to be our counselor; the prophet Isaiah is foretelling of the birth of Christ, “For a child is born to us, a son is given to us…and he will be called: Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace”. For the longest time I have struggled with the idea of God being my counselor. My healer, that I got, but counselor has been a struggle. Perhaps that’s because usually when I hear pastors talk about God as my counselor they are also talking negatively about seeing a counselor. As someone who sees a counselor that doesn’t go over too well with me. Why should I feel bad about seeking the help I need with a counselor? I don’t feel bad about it, and I refuse to feel as though I’m doing something which reflects poorly on my faith in God.

The forgotten point that should be made is summed up in Galatians 6:2 which states, “Share each other’s burden, and in this way obey the law of Christ”. The law of Christ that is being spoken of is in John 13:34, “So now I am giving you a new commandment; Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other”. The idea of sharing in each other’s burdens is to help each other and to encourage each other in the things that come our way, and in doing so we mirror Christ’s love. You don’t have to be a Christian to fulfill this. I have said for a long time that not everyone is called or equipped to handle my struggles and burdens; not everyone can handle it. This is where I feel counselors come into play; they have the training and experience to equip them to be able to handle and help me with my struggles. Seeing a counselor is just another way for Galatians 6:2 to be fulfilled.

For the last year God has really been showing me how He is my counselor. He is my counselor because He has been orchestrating what I need to move forward in my healing, and I’m finally seeing that it’s God who has been doing it. I feel as though I’m in counseling three times a week even though I only see my counselor once a week. On most Sundays the message I hear mirrors the things I am working on with my counselor, and the same goes the women’s life group I go to once a week. It is only God who can bring these three areas together in the way that they have been. I have been in and out of counseling for the last 15 years, and have spent more time in counseling than out of it. Never have I notice the correlation between what I’m doing in counseling and that of what is going on in church. It really has been remarkable.

This is how I see God as being my counselor; He knows what I need and what I am struggling with, and He knows how to bring that help to me so that I may find healing. He has helped me find the counselor that I see, and has directed us to the church we go to; in addition to the women’s life group I go to through our church. I have been working on undoing the lies I have been believing about myself, and on how to just live life without the shadow of my past hovering over me. It hasn’t been easy but I am making progress. In church recently there has been an Overcomer Series and we have just started a series titled Yes and Amen. The Overcomer series showed me things I need to overcome and the lies that I have believed about myself. The Yes and Amen series has let me know that God is not done with me yet and that He will continue to do a work in me. In the Women’s Life Group we have been doing Louie Giglio’s Goliath Must Fall study where we are learning about defeating the giants in our life. All of this has been a great companion to the work I do with my counselor because a lot of the time it either mirrors or complements what I am learning at church and in the women’s life group. All three areas come together to form a complete picture of what I need right now to heal and move forward. Only God can bring together three independent areas to form a complete picture of what I need.

This I offer to you: the hope of possibility; He has done it for me and I know He can do it for you to…it is possible. Sometimes the hope of what is possible is all we need to make it to the next step. I have the hope of possibility: that it is possible for me to get to where I want to be; God is showing me that it is possible, and that is enough for me. For I can now see how God is the great counselor.

He Sees Me

Posted on September 14, 2017Leave a comment

I have always been afraid of God truly seeing me. I have viewed myself as being so broken in spirit to where all I felt was shame over it. I’ve been embarrassed for God to see how broken I am; for God to see me in the way that I saw myself. I figured the way I saw myself was truth. A shameful truth of who I really was; too shameful to show anyone let alone God. I would cry from a place so deep within myself anytime I felt as though God was looking at all my shameful brokenness. The feeling of being so unworthy for God to even consider me, was overwhelming.

I am finally starting to realize when God looks at me He sees beyond all the lies, beyond all the shameful brokenness I have taken on as my identity. He sees the toll it has taken on me. He knows how those lies have created a painful false identity within myself. He knows I do not desire to be that person who is governed and defined by those lies, but to instead replace lies with real truth.

For the first time I know, He sees me.

He sees through the lies I was coned into believing about myself and sees me. The me where I’m a blank slate full of possibilities. The me that exists when all the lies are swept away. He sees me as an innocent sinless me (as a parent looking at their new born baby).

He sees ME…not the me I see. He does not see me as the lies I see myself as (the lies I was coned into believing about myself); He sees through those to the me that exists far within myself (the part of me He created for me to be). He sees the me who exists where truth and healing overcome all the lies and hurt.

How comforting it is to know how He sees me.

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About This Article I Read Today…

Posted on May 12, 201710 Comments

Today I read an article about what rapists look for when choosing a victim and what kinds of things will scare them off. The article sighted such things as long hair, hair up in a ponytail or bun, easy to remove clothes, and women who are distracted on their phones or looking through their purse or bag as things rapist look for. The article said these rapists stated they would be deterred if a woman were to be carrying an umbrella or anything that can be used from a distance to hit them with. A woman who puts up a fight, who yells or draws attention while being approached by a rapist is likely to deter the rapist and they will move on. The object for the rapist is picking a victim who they believe they can quickly and easily take advantage of without drawing attention to themselves. There is some good advice tips in this article about how to fight off an attack: grabbing the first two fingers and bending them back as far and as hard as you can; your elbow is the strongest and hardest part of your body…if you are close enough to use it, do it. There is good advice about being aware of your surroundings such as when you get in your car don’t sit there going through your receipt or your bags; drive off. Sitting in your car an attacker can easily get into the passenger side, and at gun or knife point direct you to drive to where they tell you to. Personally, if I’m sitting in my car and not going anywhere, I always keep the doors locked. There is some good advice in this article that you can Read Here.

There is something, however, that does bother me about this article. At first it was hard for me to put into words what it was exactly that bothered me. The point of this article is how to become less of a target to rapists. A rapist is a rapist, is a rapist. A person who is determined to rape another person will do so. The sole responsibility for their actions lies with them. A victim is not a victim until the perpetrator makes them a victim. There is no inherent victimness that makes a victim a victim.

The idea of becoming less of a target to a rapist assumes there is some target sign on our backs that by some action taken by ourselves can be removed. When taken to the next step, this then implies a victim made herself/himself a target and could have prevented their rape. It is these types of concepts that leave a victim blaming themselves for their rape. It leaves a feeling which absolves responsibility away from the rapist and onto the victim. When taken to the utmost extreme, this can be viewed as saying a rapist is not responsible for their actions because their victim meet all their criteria which gave them no choice but to rape; they couldn’t help themselves…if only the victim would have or wouldn’t have __________, then they wouldn’t have been raped.

Overall it wasn’t a bad article and there was some good information to be gotten from this article. I do feel, that by writing from the rapists point of view on what they look for it does imply a shift of responsibility from the rapist to their victims. I would have preferred to have read an article which focused more on: how to be aware of our surroundings, and things to look for which could be red flags that something isn’t right; ideas about ways to improve safety such as not sitting in an unlocked car; and ways to protect ourselves should we find ourselves faced with an attacker; to have read about things which would improve chances of escaping an attack.