Leah K. – Page 6 – In Search Of Healing

It Hurts My Heart

Posted on August 18, 2016Leave a comment

Something happened yesterday that just hurt my heart. I found out that my oldest (who I will refer to as Kay) has been getting bullied in school for about a week, and this is only the second week of school. This student has been threatening my child by saying things like: she would shoot my child in the head, tape her mouth shut, tie her up to things, and to meet her in the bathroom. It hurt my heart to know she has been dealing with this for a week before seeking help at her school, and for not coming to her father and I. I want so badly to protect my kids from this kind of ugliness in this world. I cried as I told her, my heart hurt knowing she was dealing with this.

It started when lockers were a signed to the students. We had bought Kay a locker shelf for her to use. This student saw our daughter’s locker shelf and proceeded to tell Kay to give the shelf to her. My daughter responded by telling this student that she could go buy her own locker shelf; thinking the girl was trying to joke around with her. The perfect response in my view. This student was in half of Kay’s classes, and continued to tell Kay to give her things…for which Kay did not do. Kay tried so hard to be this girl’s friend and to be nice to her. Kay even made a bracelet for this student as a show of kindness. When this student mistook Kay’s kindness for weakness by saying she wanted it in a different color, Kay gave the bracelet to her teacher instead. It was at this point that Kay realized this student wasn’t going to stop bullying her, and went to the teacher for help.

During the process of the school resolving this issue Kay learned that this student’s mother had passed away a few months ago. My daughter’s heart felt compassion for this student. My heart broke for her as well as for my daughter. Both the school and I have made it clear to Kay this fact does not excuse the things this student has said to her; it merely explains why this student was acting in such an ugly way. Her heart is full of hurt right now. I feel blessed that my daughter at such a tender age can understand that sometimes a person’s ugly behavior comes from hurt they carry around in their heart, and that can require compassion. Compassion should not be confused with weakness. Although I did express showing compassion to this student, I made sure to make it clear to Kay to not tolerate the ugliness this student was showing her. There is no excuse for the ugliness she was displaying towards Kay. The school has made this student change locker locations, and have changed her schedule so that Kay and her are no longer in the same classes.

Yes, I understand this student’s ugly behavior was the cry of a hurting heart; however, it still is no reason to treat others in such an ugly way. My heart truly hurts for this student’s loss. I wish I could hug this student, and let her know that it’s okay for her to feel the hurt that she is feeling; however, there are better ways to deal with this deep hurt she is going through.

It was also revealed that this student is being bullied by another student as well. She admitted that it didn’t feel good to be bullied. The assistant principle asked her how does it make her feel knowing how bad it feels when you are being bullied, and that she was doing that to someone who cares for her. As the student cried she replied that it felt worse.

These are the lessons I believe my child learned. This student isn’t a horrible, ugly person. This student is hurting, and in need of compassion and guidance in dealing with her loss. My child learned, it’s not okay for ANY ONE to talk to her the way this student was talking to her. She learned she could trust her teachers and principles to listen to her when she says she is being bullied, and that they genuinely care about her. She learned that you don’t necessarily speak up because you are afraid of the person following through on their threats; although that is more than enough of a reason to seek help. Nor do you stay silent because you feel they won’t do the things they are threatening to do, but because threats are not okay for someone to be making towards her and that alone is reason enough to speak up and tell someone. She got to see that her father and I meant it when we said we want to know when someone is bullying her, and that we want her to come to us with these issues.

Kay has a heart of gold. She has an amazing gift of being able to show love, compassion, empathy and a genuine sense of caring for others. While my heart hurts for both Kay and this other student; I am beyond proud of the way in which Kay handled not only the situation but how she handled herself in the midst of it. I did let her know, if something like this were to ever happen again to not wait so long to speak up and tell someone. The longer we wait, the more likely it is that our voices will be silenced by fear.

What I would like for all of us to learn from this; sometimes people are ugly to us because they don’t know how to deal with the hurt they are carrying around in their hearts. This may require compassion towards this person with a strong dose of healthy boundary setting. We can have both compassion for someone, and still stand-up for ourselves and others. No matter the hurt someone carries around with them, it is no excuse for them to treat others poorly. Our words matter; our behavior towards others matters!

The 9th Anniversary Date

Posted on August 8, 2016Leave a comment

The anniversary date for when I went to court is coming up. It’s been 9 years since court, at the end of August in 2007 I finally was going to have my day in court. It only took 5 different DAs most of which didn’t want anything to do with my case, 5 years of waiting, and several trial date reschedules. Spending my own money (and some financial help from some family members) to find my abuser when a NATIONAL WARRANT was issued for his arrest…only to have it down-graded to at STATE WARRANT once I found him because the State didn’t want to spend the money to have him extradited back to Texas.

I’ve done pretty well the last few years in not letting the anniversary date affect me too much. This year is different for some reason. I have noticed lately that my mind keeps going to the court dates, things that happened during those 5 years of waiting to go to court, and even of the abuse itself. I’ve been having unpleasant dreams pretty much every night for the last few months.

I know it may sound absurd to many people, but I still fear him. Intellectually I know he isn’t stupid enough to come after me or my family. That just isn’t enough to erase years and years of ingrained fear. No one knows him like I know him:

No one knows how calculating he is like I do.

No one knows how deceitful he is like I do.

No one knows how vindictive he is like I do.

No one knows how spiteful he is like I do.

No one knows how dangerous he is like I do.

No one knows a predator better than their victim(s).

I have seen the depths of his evil, and fear that it goes deeper still. His parole ends in 2020 and it’s coming too fast for me. I’m not ready for it to end. Once his parole ends so does his order to have no contact with me or my family. Again, intellectually I know he’s not stupid enough to try to contact us in any way, but it still doesn’t undo years of ingrained fear. I fear for his next victim because I do not think he will stop. I fear for anyone who’s life he is in. He is a master of deception. I do not think I will ever feel safe from him. I’m not sure why this years anniversary date is having such a big effect on me, but it is.

I know self care right now is supposed to be the answer to help me better deal with how I’m feeling, however, it’s so much easier said than done. I don’t know why so many people talk about self care as though it’s a snap to do. Perhaps, after years of practice it gets easier until it’s one of the simplest things to do; I’m just not there yet. Even though no one knows what I’m struggling with, on the inside I still feel judged for my struggles.

As a Christian, I sometimes feel as though admitting to a struggle is like saying I don’t have faith enough to hand it all over to Christ, and to trust Him to take it from me. As though it is the easiest thing in the world to do, and if you can’t do that…well, then something is wrong with you.

Well, here’s an answer:

What the Hell! If it were that simple mankind wouldn’t be in the state that it has been in since the fall of mankind. If it were that easy Adam and Eve never would have sinned to begin with. It all started with Eve having a struggle…wanting to have the same knowledge as God. Her struggle led to her sin. If handing over our struggles to God was the simplest thing in the world to do, then there would be no sin in the world to create the struggles we face. So, clearly, it’s not the easiest thing in the world to do.

Oh, how it must be nice to be able to stick your head in the sand like an ostrich and just pretend another anniversary date isn’t flying by. Then again, with your head in the sand you won’t see that lion sneaking up behind you to bite you in the butt. That must be what’s happening: this year’s anniversary is that lion with a big ol’ chunk of my butt in his mouth. Perhaps I’ll have better luck next year.

This Is What An Anxiety Roller Coaster Is Like

Posted on July 17, 2016Leave a comment

Friday evening was a difficult night for me. My mind and body were freaking out, and I didn’t understand it. I still don’t understand it.

I don’t understand why the sound of my kids crunching down on a snack in the back seat sent shivers up my neck, and caused my body to tense up. I don’t understand why my body tenses up, my anxiety goes through the roof, and I feel like screaming on the inside when my kids are being laud with laughter and screeching in the backseat of the car. If they are being super laud I’ll ask them to quiet down; however, I don’t dare get on them when my body and mind freak out over them doing what kids do. I will not take that right from them. They have the right to be kids!

I’ve noticed for a while now the sound/pitch of my kids screeching in the backseat triggers something inside of me. I want to scream. I want it to be quiet. I want my anxiety to go away. I want my insides to stop feeling like they are twisting up. I want to feel like I have control over what’s around me. I don’t know why my mind and body feel the way they do. It makes no sense to me.

My husband noticed I wasn’t doing good, and asked me if I was okay. I told him not really. When he asked what was wrong, the only answer I could give was, “I don’t know”. It immediately felt like he had gotten quiet and shutdown. I thought perhaps he had gotten mad at me; I started to quietly cry. I tried to convince myself that he wasn’t mad at me, and was just trying to give me space. I just couldn’t convince myself that he wasn’t mad at me. Later when he gave me a reassuring look; I again quietly started to cry with relief thinking perhaps he wasn’t mad at me. I found out the next day, he had thought that perhaps I was upset with him; so he tried to give me some space.

Do you see it? It’s like being on a roller coaster you don’t want to be on with no way off of it. This is what living with anxiety is like. I hate it. I did take a pill for anxiety Friday night. I’m slowly starting to feel better. My husband did the right thing by trying to give me some space. I did let him know a simple “I love you” and maybe holding my hand when I told him I wasn’t feeling right would have been very helpful to me. I wouldn’t have felt like he was mad at me had he done those things. He said he would keep that in mind next time this happens.

This type of anxiety issue has happened multiple times to me; I feel I’m usually pretty good at hiding it. Most people with anxiety and depression have developed coping mechanisms to help them hide from others what they are feeling; it’s a matter of survival. We have learned others can’t handle what we are dealing with or have been taught our feelings don’t matter; so, learning to put a smile on our face becomes a survival tool.

There’s no big message with this post. Just be loving and kind to those in your life who live with anxiety. If you are the one who is living with anxiety, be kind to yourself, be patient with yourself, and take time to do something that helps you feel centered and calm.

Alcohol and Rape: The Stanford Sexual Assault Case – Part 2

Posted on June 24, 2016Leave a comment

Here’s my Part 2 about the Stanford sexual assault case. This is where I just want to respond with “What the Hell” to the things Mr. Turner and Brock’s friend, Leslie, have to say. I find these assertions to be more disturbing than the quotes in Part 1; if that’s at all possible.

it’s not rape, it’s idiot boys and girls making poor decisions.

Another quote from Brock’s friend Leslie,

“where do we draw the line and stop worrying about being politically correct every second of the day and see that rape on campuses isn’t always because people are rapists”

What else is rape? Rape is rape; there is no other kind. People don’t rape because they are rapists; they are rapists because they have raped someone! I don’t understand why this needs explanation. No means no! Being intoxicated or unconscious is not an automatic yes; in fact, it’s an automatic NO; it’s an automatic sign to STOP. How is that not understood?

I give this next quote of hers a gigantic, WHAT THE HELL!!!

“This is completely different from a woman getting kidnapped and raped as she is walking to her car in a parking lot,” [Leslie] continued. “That is a rapist. These are not rapists. These are idiot boys and girls having too much to drink and not being aware of their surroundings and having clouded judgment”

Again, rape is rape! Why is this so hard to understand? This goes beyond having clouded judgment due to drinking too much. It goes beyond being aware of your surroundings. What part of, she was passed out and unconscious is Brock’s friend not understanding? You don’t have to be sober to realize you don’t continue to fondle and penetrate an unconscious person; you don’t even do those things to someone who has clearly drank too much alcohol. The victim had never meet Brock before this night; so how does that differ from being attacked by a stranger? Here’s the answer: IT DOESN’T.

Most people are assaulted by someone they know. Does that somehow make it less of a crime? I think not! What is so infuriating about these comments is the justification of what Mr. Turner and Brock’s friend, Leslie, perceive as what constitutes rape and what doesn’t. Being kidnapped is not the only definition of what happens when a person is raped. Alcohol is not a get out of jail free card! You cannot dismiss the validity of what happened to the victim simply because you say she wasn’t kidnapped, and because she had too much to drink. You cannot dismiss the irreversible harm that has been done to her. She feels utterly violated and no one can tell her that she doesn’t or shouldn’t feel the way that she does. She is the victim and has every right to feel whatever emotions she feels, and no one can say it’s not valid or not right for her to feel the way she does. You cannot dismiss what happened to her by saying, “These are idiot boys and girls having too much to drink” (nice victim blaming by the way, nice and subtle just like her previous comment about the “decision” the victim made that night).

Brock tried to run away and was tackled and held by two heroes. An innocent person does not run. A scared person might, but what was there for Brock to be scared of if he knew he was not doing anything wrong? Where was his concern for his unconscious victim? It appears as though he was only concerned for himself. If everything were as he would have everyone to believe, it is reasonable to believe he would have shown concern for her. If someone is in the midst of a sexual experience, whether romantic or in a moment of lust, if the person you are with suddenly passes out and is unconscious you immediately try to help them. You don’t say to yourself, “I’ll finish up with what I’m doing, and then afterwards I’ll check to see if they are okay”. It certainly is not considered to be “20 minutes of action” as though it’s normal to ravish an unconscious person. Even better yet, if you notice the person you are with has had too much to drink, help them get to a safe place; don’t fondle or have sex with them.

it’s all about brock.

In a letter to the judge, Brock’s father laments the ways in which his son’s life has changed, and tries to paint his son as somehow a victim in all of this. His father writes,

“He will never be his happy go lucky self with that easy going personality and welcoming smile. His every waking minute is consumed with worry, anxiety, fear and depression”

People have a hard time admitting that someone they know and love have committed or are capable of such a horrible crime. Mr. Turner’s comments are not only troubling but also infuriating. It bothers me more than I can say, to hear anyone be more concerned for a perpetrator than for the victim. I understand Mr. Turner is deeply concerned for his son; however, that does not make it okay to make comments that come across as minimizing the trauma Brock’s victim has been through. Where is the concern for Brock’s victim? What in the hell do they think his victim is going through? No wonder Brock does not think he did anything wrong when those around him won’t acknowledge or hold him accountable for his actions. I’m sure Brock’s life has changed in many ways, and that he has many concerns about his conviction; however, it is only as a result of his actions which have also changed the life of his victim. I can guarantee you the victim’s life is forever changed and affected more than Brock’s life ever will be. Mr. Turner talks about Brock no longer being able to live the life he had dreamed of. What makes his life more valuable and more worthy of living out his dreams than his victim? Brock has shattered her whole world and it will never be the same again. I know her recovery will be slow and difficult. I hope and pray she will find the healing she is looking for. Both Brock and this young woman’s life has been greatly affected by Brock’s actions that night.

oh, but he wasn’t violent

I find it troubling that Mr. Turner says,

“He has no prior criminal history and has never been violent to anyone including his actions on the night of Jan 17th 2015“

What the hell Mr. Turner, the very act of rape is a violent act. A predator does not need to use weapons or make threats of violence for it to be considered a violent crime. Violating a person’s most sacred sense of self, safety, worth, identity, and a million other things is what makes rape such a violent crime.

If Mr. Turner really wants to help his son I would say, start off by: understanding his son’s actions is rape, then help Brock to take responsibility for his actions by helping him to understand why his actions that night is rape, and help him to face the consequences for his actions; not trying to get him a lighter sentence. Brock’s life is not over. Instead of focusing on getting Brock a lighter sentence, Mr. Turner’s time would be better spent on showing his son how to rebuild his life. There are no short-cuts in rebuilding your life. As difficult as it will be for Brock to rebuild his life, it still won’t compare to the work his victim will have to do to rebuild her life.

The very fact all of what I’m writing in this blog post needs to be explained to some people is very troubling to me, and angers me more deeply than I can express. Where has common sense and human decency gone? I fear it’s turning into a thing that only exists in myths.

Here are the links to read the articles I’ve quoted from:

The Powerful Letter by Brock Turner’s Victim

Brock Turner’s Father Sparks Outrage

Brock’s Friend Blames Political Correctness for His Conviction

Alcohol and Rape: The Stanford Sexual Assault Case – Part 1

Posted on June 23, 20161 Comment

It’s taken me a long time to finish this post. I’ve got so much to say that I have decided to post it in two parts. There are so many things about the Stanford sexual assault case that bothers me deeply. I don’t understand the total lack of understanding on the part of the offender and his supporters. How does a person not understand that performing sexual acts and/or having sex with an extremely drunk and unconscious person is rape/sexual assault? It doesn’t take a genius to figure that out. I do not believe for one minute that Brock did not notice she was unconscious.

How they can so easily dismiss his actions on collage drinking culture? Drinking alcohol or being drunk is no excuse for sexually assaulting a person; oh, excuse me…for “20 minutes of action” as Brock’s dad, Mr. Turner, has put it. Alcohol is not the issue here. Thinking it’s okay to have sex or perform sexual acts with a person who has consumed enough alcohol they can barely talk and walk; let alone when they are unconscious and it not being considered rape because alcohol is involved is one of the biggest issues here. Alcohol does not excuse his actions; it doesn’t even give an explanation as to why he did it. I do not believe you have to be sober to realize that a person is unable to consent to sex and all that leads up to it.

Brock’s victim does an amazing job in explaining it,

“Future reference, if you are confused about whether a girl can consent, see if she can speak an entire sentence. You couldn’t even do that. Just one coherent string of words. Where was the confusion? This is common sense, human decency.…Note; if a girl falls down help her get back up. If she is too drunk to even walk and falls down, do not mount her…”

Something that really bothers me is his statement where he says he thought she was enjoying what he was doing because she was rubbing his back. Has anyone stopped to consider, perhaps she was trying to signal him to stop, to get his attention, but was barely able to do so due to the amount of alcohol in her system? Brock had to have been so consumed with his own desires that he completely tuned her out and was only focused on satisfying himself.

It was alcohol consumption and promiscuity…or was it?

Let’s play the devil’s advocate here for just a moment since some seem to think alcohol is the issue here. One of Brock’s friends blames his conviction on political correctness, while Brock’s father blames it on alcohol consumption and sexual promiscuity. Saying Brock and the victim were both drunk, and since the victim had no memory of what happened how could it be determined it was rape.

Brock’s father, Mr. Turner wrote,

“Brock can do so many positive things as a contributor to society and is totally committed to educating other collage age students about the dangers of alcohol consumption and sexual promiscuity”

This case is not about alcohol consumption and sexual promiscuity; that kind of rationalization assumes that just because a person has consumed alcohol they are going to sleep around. How absurd to make that assumption! That kind of rationalization also assumes that a person has rights to another simply because alcohol was involved. Well, folks…that is some grade A victim blaming, right there.

Brock’s friend, Leslie, wrote,

“I don’t think it’s fair to base the fate of the next 10+ years of his life on the decision of a girl who doesn’t remember anything but the amount she drank to press charges against him. I am not blaming her directly for this, because that isn’t right”

Here is another example of subtle victim blaming; by saying because the victim can’t remember, it should be assumed it was consensual. This is not a “it takes two to tango” type of situation. What decision is Leslie talking about? The victim’s decision to drink alcohol that night? That has no bearing on what happened. It is ridiculous to believe that the victim made any kind of decision that night which would have made Brock’s actions okay. The victim was unconscious; what is anyone expecting her to remember? It doesn’t matter how she became unconscious. The fact remains that she WAS unconscious and Brock was on top of her. It doesn’t even matter IF she had consented to things they were doing prior to her passing out. When anyone has consumed enough alcohol they are barely able to talk and walk, barely conscious, or even unconscious you don’t fondle and have sex with that person; that is called rape. Really, it’s not that complicated. You can’t just say, “oh, well, she was just drunk and doesn’t remember what happened”. It doesn’t matter what anyone says; you don’t fondle or have sex with someone who is extremely intoxicated or unconscious…THAT IS CALLED RAPE. Just because Brock says he knows what happened does not automatically make his version the truth. Just because he did not pass out does not mean he gets to write the script for what happened that night. If the evidence did not point to rape, I highly doubt he would have been found guilty. It is not easy for a person to be found guilty of rape in a criminal court case; the burden of proof is very high.

Here are the links to read the articles I’ve quoted from:

The Powerful Letter by Brock Turner’s Victim

Brock Turner’s Father Sparks Outrage

Brock’s Friend Blames Political Correctness for His Conviction