Friday evening was a difficult night for me. My mind and body were freaking out, and I didn’t understand it. I still don’t understand it.
I don’t understand why the sound of my kids crunching down on a snack in the back seat sent shivers up my neck, and caused my body to tense up. I don’t understand why my body tenses up, my anxiety goes through the roof, and I feel like screaming on the inside when my kids are being laud with laughter and screeching in the backseat of the car. If they are being super laud I’ll ask them to quiet down; however, I don’t dare get on them when my body and mind freak out over them doing what kids do. I will not take that right from them. They have the right to be kids!
I’ve noticed for a while now the sound/pitch of my kids screeching in the backseat triggers something inside of me. I want to scream. I want it to be quiet. I want my anxiety to go away. I want my insides to stop feeling like they are twisting up. I want to feel like I have control over what’s around me. I don’t know why my mind and body feel the way they do. It makes no sense to me.
My husband noticed I wasn’t doing good, and asked me if I was okay. I told him not really. When he asked what was wrong, the only answer I could give was, “I don’t know”. It immediately felt like he had gotten quiet and shutdown. I thought perhaps he had gotten mad at me; I started to quietly cry. I tried to convince myself that he wasn’t mad at me, and was just trying to give me space. I just couldn’t convince myself that he wasn’t mad at me. Later when he gave me a reassuring look; I again quietly started to cry with relief thinking perhaps he wasn’t mad at me. I found out the next day, he had thought that perhaps I was upset with him; so he tried to give me some space.
Do you see it? It’s like being on a roller coaster you don’t want to be on with no way off of it. This is what living with anxiety is like. I hate it. I did take a pill for anxiety Friday night. I’m slowly starting to feel better. My husband did the right thing by trying to give me some space. I did let him know a simple “I love you” and maybe holding my hand when I told him I wasn’t feeling right would have been very helpful to me. I wouldn’t have felt like he was mad at me had he done those things. He said he would keep that in mind next time this happens.
This type of anxiety issue has happened multiple times to me; I feel I’m usually pretty good at hiding it. Most people with anxiety and depression have developed coping mechanisms to help them hide from others what they are feeling; it’s a matter of survival. We have learned others can’t handle what we are dealing with or have been taught our feelings don’t matter; so, learning to put a smile on our face becomes a survival tool.
There’s no big message with this post. Just be loving and kind to those in your life who live with anxiety. If you are the one who is living with anxiety, be kind to yourself, be patient with yourself, and take time to do something that helps you feel centered and calm.