Leah K. – Page 8 – In Search Of Healing

Problems With Invasive Thoughts

Posted on April 11, 2016Leave a comment

Memories.

Oh, those pesky memories that you just can’t stop from popping into your head.

I hate the effects my childhood abuse has had on my life. The littlest things can bring back memories, and set off triggers. Sometimes, the memories come for no reason at all. This has been happening to me a lot lately. In our new house there are wires that come out of the wall where the previous owners had the living room wired for surround sound. When I look at these wires all they remind me of is a specific time frame of my abuse. My step-dad controlled the remote, and he always made sure we watched certain types of shows. This was part of his conditioning of my mind to get me to believe things that were…well, quite far fetched. I was naive, overly trusting, and didn’t know what to think or believe about these things. I believe, for me, it was easier to believe the lies than to face the truth of what was going on. When the shows became too hard for me to watch because they caused me to feel unsafe; I would go down stairs to my room in an attempt to avoid having to watch the shows. This did me little good. My step-dad would turn the volume up loud enough that I could still hear the show even though I was in my room. It felt like there was no escape from it.

My husband would like to add speakers at some point so that there is surround sound in our new living room since it’s already wired for it. All I can think about is how my step-dad used surround sound to force me to listen to shows he was using to brain-wash me with. The walls are very thin in our new house, and I don’t like the idea of our kids having to listen to what we are watching when they are in their rooms. This is a hard topic for me to discuss with my husband. I know it sounds ridiculous, absurd perhaps to some, irrational, and would be easy to dismiss. It would be all too easy for him or anyone else to tell me to not live in the past. To just move on.

To myself I think sarcastically, “Yeah, like I have a choice”. I know so many would argue that yeah I do have a choice. How the Bible tells us to “renew our minds”, to think on what is pure and good. There is so much talk about how we can control our thoughts, and rise above them. While that may be true to a certain extent; it doesn’t apply well to invasive thoughts which you can’t control. There is no shortage of books, CDs or DVDs out there to show us how to control our thoughts and minds. While there is no doubt great advise to be found in these resources, and I have found some solid advice in these things. It still doesn’t change the fact there is no “switch” to be turned “on” or “off” in my mind which keeps these invasive thoughts out of my head. These thoughts can be very difficult to deal with. I don’t know what to do with them. I often don’t like the way they cause me to feel emotionally. Again, there is no “on/off” switch so that I may suddenly change the thoughts or triggered memories rolling around in my head. While working on controlling our thoughts is great, and does work for most people. I also believe there are some wounds that cut so deep into the soul that it takes the healing hand of God to keep these invasive thoughts at bay. I’ve been feeling increasingly resentful at quotes or anything really which suggests that I can control these invasive thoughts, and the memories they trigger.

I cannot control these memories and thoughts. I try not to dwell on them because I feel this is the best way to limit the effect they have on me. This, however, does not stop them from coming, and coming, and coming again and again…like waves. Having stress dreams with certain family members in them does not help either. In fact, on days when I have those types of dreams I feel exhausted all day, and have no energy for anything.

I’m sure I’m not alone in this struggle, and that many of you struggle with this just as I do. I want you to know you are not alone in your struggle. I normally like to keep these posts upbeat and positive. Focusing on how God has brought me through it all. Make no mistake; God has brought me through so many hard times, and I have confidence He will get me through this too. Right now, I just want to be honest about my struggles and how they have been affecting me. I need to write about these struggles because it helps me deal with it better. Maybe, just maybe, it will help someone know they aren’t alone in their struggles; and maybe, if even for a moment, it brings them some peace knowing they are not alone.

I’d like to end with this last thoughts, remember: You are not alone; You are loved; You are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

Got Faith?

Posted on April 3, 2016Leave a comment

There have been so many changes over the last several months. Between one of my aunts choosing to walk out of my life when I tried to set boundaries, and my husband’s job requiring us to move to another state. A lot has happened during this time. I have felt very overwhelmed. It feels as though my faith was falling out from underneath me the way the ocean tied erodes sand away from around your feet at the beach.

It was all very depressing. After a while I started thinking, who am I to ask God for anything; who am I to think He would do anything for me with such puny, little faith; I’ve got too many issues, especially with trust and faith. The importance of faith is preached in nearly every sermon.

We are taught in Matthew 17:20

20 “You don’t have enough faith,” Jesus told them. “I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it would move. Nothing would be impossible. ”

I think the main part of this verse which really sticks out to, probably to just about everyone, is having faith to movie mountains.

Mountains!

Mountains are huge!

Mountains are massive chunks of land!

If one were to be honest, I think we would admit to wondering how in the world can faith really do that. Moving a mountain is pretty much impossible; barring the use of massive equipment and explosives. Perhaps there are those out there, who like me, at times feel more like a doubting Thomas. Unless we see with our eyes, faith is hard to have; just as it was for Thomas (John 20:25-27). We are told, “Don’t be a doubting Thomas”, and I feel my faith shrink just a little bit more because I don’t know how to not be a doubting Thomas. I’ve been taken advantage of enough to know to question things. To not blindly believe everything said to me. This somehow equates, at least in my mind, that my faith is in some way lacking.

The topic of faith tends to be focused on the mighty things which can be accomplished through faith. Rarely, is the focus on the mustered seed. A seed that is so small, yet it grows to be huge. Again, the end result is what is most captured in the mind, and not the smallness of the seed. I feel like if God could ask me a question it would be, “Why such little faith”? I’m not sure I would be able to answer His question. Perhaps the smallness of my faith is in relation to the smallness for which I feel I am.

I opened my Bible for the first time in a really long time. I read about how Jesus calmed the storm, and something really stood out to me. Take a look at it with me.

Matthew 8:24-27

24 Suddenly, a fierce storm struck the lake, with waves breaking into the boat. But Jesus was sleeping.
25 The disciples went and woke him up, shouting, “Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!”
26 Jesus responded, “Why are you afraid? You have so little faith!” Then he got up and rebuked the wind and waves, and suddenly there was a great calm.
27 The disciples were amazed. “Who is this man?” they asked. “Even the winds and waves obey him!”

What stood out to me was the fear and panic those on the boat were feeling. Not exactly emotions associated with having faith. Jesus even pointed it out Himself in verse 26, “…You have so little faith!” Their lack of faith, however, did not deter, stop, or cause Jesus to hesitate or delay Him from calming the storm. In fact, at the end of verse 26 it says, “there was a great calm”…not just a calm but a great calm.

Faith is pushed and pushed in church, and indeed the Bible says in Hebrews 11:6 it is impossible to please God without faith because those who come to Him “must believe that God exists and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him”. Does this mean the whole premise of faith is to believe in God and that He rewards those who sincerely seek him? I don’t pretend to know the answer to this question. There is no if you have this amount of faith, then you can achieve these great things. There is only if you believe in God and that He rewards.

I have felt for a long time now, the order in which things work is that I must first have some kind of great faith, and then God will do his part; otherwise I’m just peeing in the wind. I have also felt for a long time that no amount of faith that I could have would be enough for God to answer my prayers. Who am I that God would notice me? I have felt this way in spite of all the blessings and answered prayers God has given me over the years. According to many preachers, this line of thinking, this “little faith” would cause me to disqualify myself from the blessings of God. Why I ask? It did not disqualify those on the boat when Jesus calmed the storm. They were sacred, and fearful; they had “little faith”. Verse 27 of chapter 8 in Matthew shows the disciples wondering who Jesus really was that the wind and waves would obey Him. That sounds a lot like there may have been some doubt about Jesus’ abilities to do certain things they perceived as impossible which could be associated with their “little faith”. Maybe a certain level of doubt and having “little faith” is something which goes hand in hand? You can’t have one without the other? Perhaps in the same way, others like me, wonder how faith can move mountains. The doubting Thomas’ of the world. Yet, Jesus did not disqualify them from their fearful request that He save them from the storm.

So, why do I beat myself up so much for feeling as though I have such little faith? Faith which is rooted in the feeling and doubt of why would God really want to do anything for me? I don’t know. What I do know is, I’m going to try to allow myself to believe that my “little faith” is enough.

I’m going to tell myself, “Your faith is enough”!

Got Faith? Why, yes you do!

Your faith is enough!

No one should ever cause us to feel as though our faith is not enough. God will meet us where we are at…regardless of what kind of faith we feel we have.

Stress Dreams

Posted on January 11, 2016Leave a comment

When I’m feeling stressed one of the ways my body let’s me know I’m stressed out is by having stress dreams. These dreams for me are specific kinds of dreams that only occur when I’m stressed.

Stress dreams are so stressful. I know that sounds so very obvious. They bring up old feels that are hard to shake off; which just leads to more stress when you can’t shake it off. For me, my stress dreams usually follow certain types of themes. They leave me feeling more tired the next day. As though I really didn’t get to sleep.

It’s never fun to relive old childhood feelings that leave you feeling:

           >Ignored
           >Vulnerable
           >Not a priority
           >Not wanted
           >Invisible
           >Feeling as though you can do       nothing right.
            >Etc.

The two biggest themes for me is no one listening to me while I try to worn them about my abuser; and family members deciding to choose my abuser over me. In reality my family was supportive of me when I told them about the abuse. However, there were many times growing up where I felt dismissed and unwanted. I think deep down I felt expendable growing up. There was certainly times in the beginning of my healing journey where I felt my abuse was not allowed to be about what I went through but was about how it affected my mom. My family focused on her and expected me to pick-up the pieces and put her back together.

I wasn’t allowed to express my feelings growing up so now they come out in these dreams. In these dreams I am able to express my anger and frustration. To speak up for myself and to give myself a voice. I get to decide what my boundaries are. While these are positive things they tend to be overshadowed by the negative feelings that come with these dreams.

Stress dreams leave me feeling unheard, betrayed, cast aside, and the lingering feeling of something being inherently wrong with me. Since in these dreams I’m unable to get anyone to listen to me or to choose me over my abuser; I wake up feeling all those negative emotions I had growing up. These things are hard for me to shake off.

Sometimes I just get tired of feeling broken, and as though there is just something inherently wrong with me. It’s hard to shake these feelings off. I feel fine most of the time. However, when I start having these stress dreams they really affect how I feel about myself, and it usually takes some time for me to shake it off after these stress dreams stop.

It Was Not God’s Plan

Posted on January 2, 2016Leave a comment

I wish people would stop telling trauma victims, “God must have a plan for this. Otherwise He wouldn’t have allowed this to happen. He will work it out for your good”. How dare anyone suggest it is the will of God for someone to experience such trauma! This completely negates free-will, and suggests God could have stopped it somehow.

It is the same as saying this person had no choice but to abuse, rape or kill a person because God has a plan for it. We all have free-will. We CHOOSE to do good or evil with our free-will. A person who abuses, rapes, and murders people are CHOOSING to use their free-will to harm others. This is not a plan of God!

It was not a part of God’s plan for my life for me to be sexually abused! He did not plan it, He did not condone it, and God certainly could not stop it. IF God could control mankind’s free-will like that there would in fact be no such thing as free-will.

I do belive, God did everything He could to pierce my abuser’s conscious to get him to stop. My abuser’s heart is hardened toward God, and he placed himself outside the reach of God’s prompting to stop. This was my abuser’s free will CHOOSING to not only harm me, but to ignore the prompting of God on his conscious that what he was doing is wrong. I belive that my abuser’s heart is so hardened toward God that he probably didn’t even consider for a moment that what he was doing is wrong. He’s too narcissistic and self absorbed to ever consider his actions as wrong.

The only truth in the statement, “God will work everything out for your good” is that God CAN work ALL THINGS out for our good…if we would only let Him. God can take the trauma we’ve experienced, and, if we let Him, He can turn it all around to bring healing and peace back once again into our lives. He can create something new within us that is stronger and more beautiful than we would have ever thought possible. Out of the ashes of our trauma, like a phoenix rising from its ashes, He will rise up a new life for us free from the darkness of our past.

Stop Making This Taboo!

Posted on January 1, 2016Leave a comment

There are a few Christian taboo topics I want to address: taking antidepressant medications, anti-anxiety medicine, and going to counseling. Why is this taboo? Some preachers love to preach about receiving a healing from God to set us free from depression and anxiety [Which is all well and good. I pray many people will receive such healings. Heck, I pray for a healing for myself]. While at the same time lining their sermons with subtle hints of shame in their messages if one were to take medicine for depression and anxiety, or to see a counselor. There is a sense of shame associated when you don’t receive your healing right away, on the spot when you pray for it. This then becomes a taboo topic which no one wants to talk about. I just don’t get it. This makes no sense to me, and does nothing to help those who deal with these issues day in and day out. I’m tired of seeing Christianity hijacked by such ideas.

Let me tell a parable that I’ve heard:

There was a man stranded on the roof of his house as flood waters were rising up. The man prayed to God asking Him to help him. Then some people in a raft came by asking if he needed some help. The man replied, “No, God is going to help me”. A while later, as the flood waters continued to rise, a rescue boat came by offering to help the man get to safety. Again, the man replied, “God will help me, I don’t need your help”. As the man stood on the roof of his house with the flood waters now starting to cover the roof, a helicopter flew overhead offering to rescue the man. Once again, the man turned down the help saying that God was going to help him. As the man was about to drown, he cried out to God asking, “Why didn’t You help me”. God replied, “I did send help. I sent the people in the raft, and you turned them away. I sent the rescue boat to save you, and you turned them down. I even sent the helicopter to save you, but you refused the help I sent you”.

The moral of this parable: When we ask God for help, it may not always look like what we are expecting.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard from the pulpit at different churches I’ve been to how God is the great healer and counselor [Which He is. This I do not doubt]. Saying why go to a counselor when you can go to the great Counselor. Why deal with depression or anxiety when you can go to the great Healer. The way these topics are usually addressed from the pulpit seem to have a connotation of shame and lack of faith if you do see a counselor or take medicine for depression or anxiety. I suffered from deep depression for years on my own. Saying, “God, it’s just You and me. Together we are going to get through this without any medication”. I didn’t realize I was so deeply depressed. All I knew was that I had an extreme feeling of just being overwhelmed by everything. I would have never classified myself as someone suffering from depression. I didn’t feel sad. I just felt paralyzed by an extreme sense of being overwhelmed. Stress too seems to be increasingly becoming another taboo topic. As the saying goes, “I’m too blessed to be stressed”. That’s great! However, that minimizes stressful situations, which are a part of life. Again, it oh so slightly brings with it a connotation of shame for feeling stress during stressful situations because it implies a lack of faith in God on your part. God created us as emotional beings, and not mindless, emotionless creatures who go about on autopilot. Since when has it become shameful for us to be the emotional beings He created us to be?

As a teen, I saw my mom take antidepressants and a wide array of other medicines to include anti-anxiety medicines. She was seeing a really horrible psychiatrist. When she had problems with side-affects the psychiatrist would just add other medicines to try to counter act those side-affects…which created more side-affects. It was a horrible cycle which propelled my mom in a downward spiral to the point she became suicidal. After watching all that my mom went through, I was hell bent on not taking any antidepressants. If a doctor suggested antidepressants or for me to see a psychiatrist I would think to myself, “are you trying to kill me”.

Earlier this year I went through something that was very difficult for me to deal with. I was crying a lot and couldn’t eat. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I just wanted to feel like I could function, and to not feel so crappy about myself. I was to the point that I was willing to take medicine if it meant I could function better. If it meant I could just get my mind to shut the hell up, and stop focusing on the hurt I was feeling. This is where the parable comes into play. Since God created mankind with the ability to develop such medicines to help people; why wouldn’t he want us to take advantage of that? The antidepressant and anti-anxiety medicine I now take are the raft and boat God sent to help me. I know God is a great healer, and will heal me of this someday. I do not plan on needing to take these medicines for the rest of my life. In the meantime, I’m not going to turn down the help He has provided me. Before I was drowning in anxiety and depression; calling out to God for help, and then wondering why I was struggling with it for so many years…wondering what was wrong with my faith for why I was still suffering with all of this. I resigned to thinking I just must not have enough faith; that something was inherently wrong with me and my faith, and therefore God could not / would not answer my prayers for healing. There was help available all along, and I just didn’t recognize it. I’m tired of the Church making it seem like taking these medicines is in someway shameful and a show of lack of faith. None of that is true! Not in the least bit. In fact, it takes more courage to seek help, and take medicine or go to counseling than it does to pray and beat yourself up if you don’t receive an instant healing. By all means, continue to pray for your healing! I am not at all against that. I pray there will be a day I no longer need these medications. Just don’t beat yourself up IF it doesn’t happen the way you thought it would. Don’t take on shame and doubt IF God does not heal you instantly. There is no shame in it, and no need to mentally beat yourself up for it.

1 Timothy 5:23

Don’t drink only water. You ought to drink a little wine for the sake of your stomach because you are sick so often.

It is thought that Timothy was getting sick from drinking the local water. So, it was suggested that he drink a little wine so he wouldn’t get sick from the water. Is this not a form of medicine, for the time period, to help with his stomach? If it was ok in the Bible times to take things that were viewed as beneficial to your health, why would that change for us today? I don’t think it has. Why is physical health and mental health looked at so differently? Depression and anxiety manifest by altering the chemicals in our brains. That is not something we can control. There is no shame nor lack of faith in God when deciding to take medicine to help with these issues, and others. I don’t believe God would agree with creating a culture of shame for those who do choose to take medicine to help them. They are simply choosing to take the help God has provided for them; wither it’s needed as a short term help or for long term help. God’s children are hurting enough as it is. The last thing they need is for someone to cause further pain by placing shame on their attempts to get help.

As someone who would like to become a counselor, this one particularly rubs me the wrong way. Why is there this connotation of shame for a Christian to seek counseling outside the church is beyond me. I simply don’t understand it. The counselors I’ve had have all been a Godsend to me! God has used them to help get me to where I am today. He has used them to help me see things I might never have seen on my own. Yes, God is the Great Counselor; He is faithful to show up to all of my counseling sessions. He is faithful to work with me day and night everyday, and when I’m not talking to my counselor. Giving me new things to talk about when I see my counselor to help me work through and process those things; so that I may continue to reach new levels of healing. Counseling to me is the helicopter God has sent to rescue me to keep me from drowning. Why should I turn down such help?

Galatians 6:2

Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ. -New Living Translation

Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ. -King James Version

Are not counselors fulfilling this law of Christ? They are helping to bear the burdens of others. So, why is there such shame associated in the church with seeing a counselor? Why are we made to feel shame, and as though something is wrong with us if we don’t receive an instant healing from God for such things. Who are we to limit God to an instant healing or none at all (at which case the believer is blamed for not receiving their healing)?

How many have felt judged by the Church and then by God? How many people have been hurt and turned away from God for feeling shamed for seeking counseling outside of the Church or for taking certain kinds of medicines? You can’t say, “well, they were looking/trusting man and not God. Their faith must have been weak to let that offend them and to turn from God”. Are we not to be the ambassadors of God? Are we not to do our best to represent Him? Aren’t we supposed to help build others up, and help build up their faith? Who are we to say how much faith a person has or “lacks”? Is that for us to judge? NO, I don’t believe it is our place to judge such things. Yes, we are flowed and make many mistakes. I would hope no one would hold God accountable for my mistakes and short-comings. Neither do I hold God accountable for the short-comings of others. We are to help build one another up; not to tear each other down. Only God knows the true condition of a person. We are to do our best to help others. This sense of shame that is conveyed from many pulpits needs to stop. I do not believe it is the will of God for His hurting children to be caused further pain.

So lets drop the judgement. Lets stop viewing these things as taboo. Where the presence of the Lord is there is healing…no shame, no assumption there is a lack of faith, no judgement…just healing. Healing can take many forms. It could be instantaneous, however, I believe it’s more common for healings to take time. We need to stop being bullied into feeling shame and doubt when God does not reach out to us in a way we have been taught to expect it.

So, I plead with you; the body of Christ, the Church…Stop making these things taboo! It is helping no one.