My Distraction Cycle Is Damaging

     Things haven’t been going very well for me lately. The last depression medicine that I was on really set me back. I felt too overwhelmed to do anything during the day. When I feel overwhelmed I tend to bury myself on the computer. I spend a lot of time on the Internet on Facebook. When I look at the house chores that I have to do I become very overwhelmed because I work up these tasks in my mind into these chores that I can’t possibly do well enough for my perfectionist mind; so, I distract myself from it. The more I distract myself the more the house work piles up, and the more it piles up the more overwhelmed I feel, and the more I distract myself from it. It’s a vicious cycle that is hard to break, and one that I desperately need to break because it is causing damage to my family. Don’t get me wrong; my house isn’t filthy, but it’s not necessarily in a state where I would want people over to the house to see it.

     Growing up Jon was very critical of everything, and I always felt like I couldn’t do things well enough. When ever I think about how critical Jon is I always remember this incident…Jon gave me a chore to do then a few minutes later came back to give me another chore to do, and when he came back a few minutes later to give me a third chore to do he got mad at me for not having the other two chores done. Now, I’m not the world’s fastest worker; I’m actually a pretty slow worker. But even then anyone would have needed more time to complete the chores that Jon had given me. Jon is ADD which makes him pretty hyper, but just because I can’t work at his pace doesn’t mean that he has the right to get mad at anyone who can’t keep up with him.

     I haven’t been the same ever since I started dealing with the sexual abuse that Jon put me through. Sometimes I wish that I could go back to being that person who I was when I was living in denial. But then I think about all that was going on in my life while I was in denial of the abuse, and I was living in a very dysfunctional home…hence the denial; it was a way of protecting myself from a reality that was too hard for me to handle at the time. So, I guess that I should give myself credit for coming to a place where I can come out of the denial, and to be on my healing journey.

     This journey hasn’t been easy, and has taken a real toll on my marriage. It’s very hard for my husband to see me struggling to get better, and to see how the abuse has devastated my sense of self worth. He too struggles with watching me trying to cope with it all, and it has nearly destroyed our marriage. He simply can’t deal with it any more. This DOES NOT mean that his love for me is any less, and that he doesn’t desire to support me in my healing journey. My husband more than anyone wants to see me healed from my past. It has just become too hard for him to deal with something so horrible that has happened to someone whom he loves so much…it’s too overwhelming for him; as it is for most people. This is hard on me too; to not be able to share with him some of the things that are going on with me. But the Lord is my strength, and He will get me through this. I have also learned that when I need to talk that I can turn to the friends that I have made in the support groups that I have been in. These are ladies that have been through similar things as me, and can truly understand what I’m going through. I don’t feel so alone on my journey when I talk with them.

     Here is a real way in which the abuse is not only affecting me, but my family. My husband recently told me that he feels like we are growing apart due to the amount of time that I spend on the computer. I tried to explain to him the vicious cycle that I’m in, and I asked him for more understanding while I try to get better. My husband has every right to feel the way that he feels, and I’m so grateful that he continues to support my healing journey and stands by as I try to heal. I did admit that the amount of time that I spend on the computer is a problem that I recognize, and that I am taking steps to fix it. The main reason why I am taking antidepressants is so that I can stop feeling so overwhelmed all the time, and get off the computer, and get things done around the house. That in the back of my mind I’m screaming at myself, “what are you doing!”, “why are you on this thing!”, “you should be in the other room with your family!”, “GET OFF!”. But I feel glued to my chair. It’s not a nice or pleasant feeling…that I am missing out with time that should be spent with playing with my girls, and spending quality family time together. If anything, I will use it to drive me all the more to heal; so that I can give my family the time that they deserve.

I Hate Depression

     Over the last few months I’ve been trying different antidepressant medications trying to find the right one to help me function the right way during the day. It wasn’t all that easy for me to even think about getting help like that. I hate depression, and the fact that I need help. It just got to the point that I felt that it wasn’t healthy for my daughters to see me struggling to keep up with the house work, and with cooking dinner. I don’t have the type of depression where you feel sad all the time; which is probably why it’s so hard for me to accept that I need help. I just felt so overwhelmed by everything around me that it paralyzed me to the point that I didn’t feel like I could get anything done around the house. When I did finally go see a doctor she tested my serotonin levels which turned out to be very low. This does help me to realize that I have a chemical imbalance that I have no control over, and that taking medicine should be able to help me feel better. I do not think that taking antidepressants is a fix all solution. It is something that I plan on doing for now, but I plan on someday being healthy enough to get off of it.

     I recently tried switching the antidepressant that I was on, and well…I’ll just say that it’s not the right one for me. I haven’t felt this bad in a while. I didn’t want to get out of bed, I was having some trouble sleeping, and most important of all…I had ZERO drive to do ANYTHING during the day. I pretty much spend all of yesterday on the couch. The whole day I was yelling at myself in my mind…saying things like, “what are you doing?!” “get up and do something!” “don’t just sit there” “why are you doing that”. The more I yelled at myself the more bogged down I felt. I couldn’t stand feeling the way that I felt yesterday, and I wasn’t going to continue on that medicine to see how long it would take to see if it would help. I had been on it for about a week; most take a few weeks to fully help, but there was no way that I was going to wait that long and to continue to feel that way. So, I’ve put myself back on the previous medicine that I was on until I go the next time to see the doctor. It’s not that the previous medicine was all that bad (it did help me some); I just thought that there might be something out there that would be better. Which is why I was trying the current antidepressant that didn’t work out too well.

     The reason why I hate depression, and having to take medicine for it has a lot to do with my childhood. My mom was suicidal pretty much all through out my teen years. She would just sit there and cry, and do nothing. I grew to see crying as a weakness that I never wanted to have. Yeah, sure my mom went to doctors for help, but it wasn’t much help. The more medicine she got on the more suicidal she got. It was all just a bad mix of medicine. She would have side effects to one medicine, and instead of changing the medicine the doctor would just add another medicine that came with it’s own set of side effects to add to the mix as well. I remember hiding the car keys from her so that she couldn’t just drive off…driving while crying is such a dangerous thing. She would tell me that she just wanted to run away or drive off a bridge. I even stood behind and in front of her car so that she couldn’t leave the driveway on different occasions. I did my best to help / “fix” her, but nothing I did worked. So, you can see why I was so hesitant to be on antidepressants, but I’m still not going to allow myself to be put on a lot of medicine all at once. It has all boiled down to what kind of mother I want to be, and what kind of memories I want my children to have of me. I don’t want my girls to remember me as a mom that couldn’t get anything done, and just sat around the house. I want to be so much better than that for them…they deserve it.

Georgia Forced to Soften Their Sex Offender Laws

Here is an atricle from Fox News about how Georgia is changing their sex offender laws. It’s important to know what your states laws are, and how / if they plan on changing them. Georgia is now allowing some sex offenders to pratically live where ever they want to, some to petition to be REMOVED from the sex offender registry, and more.

To get to the article go to this link  Georgia Forced to Soften Famously Strict Laws Against Sex Offenders

Casting Crowns – Voice of Truth [LYRICS]

     I would like to share this song with you. This is one of the songs that I held onto very tightly during the time right before court all the way until court was over; and this song still means a lot to me to this day.

     The song talks about how he wishes that he had the strength to get out of the boat onto the crashing waves (a reference to when Peter stepped out of the boat to walk on the water to Jesus who had called him out onto the water where he was), and to have the strength to stand before a giant. And how the Waves and the Giant are calling out his name, and they laugh at him; reminding him of all the times that he’s tried before and failed…saying “boy, you’ll never win, you’ll never win”. I felt like this was me not just facing the court system, but also facing Jon and his lawyers. I had District attorneys tell me that it would be almost impossible to get a guilty verdict, and one even told me that he wasn’t sure if he believed me or not. Then in court I had to face Jon who the whole time looked at me with such a hateful and revengeful look on his face, and had to deal with his lawyers who had the audacity to try to get me to say that I thought that I was Jon’s child bride!!! THAT MAKES ME SICK!!! I had stepped out of the boat onto the crashing waves, and was facing my giant. Thank you Lord for the strength that you have given me!!!

     BUT! there is a VOICE OF TRUTH that “tells me a different story; the VOICE OF TRUTH tells me do not be afraid. The VOICE OF TRUTH says this is for my glory”. This part of the song was Jesus reminding me that I was speaking the voice of truth, and that as long as I was speaking the truth that all would be ok, and for me to not be afraid. And I do give God ALL THE GLORY for giving me the guilty verdict in court. Let the Lord be glorified for what he has done for me!!! The next part of the song says that out of all the voices calling out to him that he will listen to the voice of truth…amen and amen to that!! Always! Always! Listen to the VOICE OF TRUTH that is Jesus Christ!

     This part of the song is great too, “I will soar with the wings of eagles when I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus singing over me”. It’s so hard to describe the feeling that I had when that guilty verdict was read. At the start of court I had no doubt in my mind that Jon would be found guilty…it didn’t even enter my mind that there was any way possible he would not be found guilty. But during the jury’s 14 hours of deliberation I started to worry and to wounder, and started to feel as though my victory was being taken away from me. I heard God asking me if I still trusted Him; my response to Him was, “Of course Lord. I still trust you”. And what a great victory it was that the Lord gave me!!!

     So, here it is…such a great song that I hold dearly to my heart.

Anxiety In August (8/8/2009)

     The closer that I get to the end of this month (August) the more that I can feel my anxiety level going up. I feel as though evil is being let loose upon the streets to find its next target. For me it’s not a question of if, but of when Jon will make his next move. And I feel as though I should be there to stop it. I don’t really think that Jon will come after me and my family…although…that doesn’t stop me from worrying about it. I also worry about the games that Jon will try to play with his Parole Officer. I hope that his Parole Officer is smarter than him to catch him in his games. I know how Jon works. I have lived through the nightmare of having to survive living with him, and with that comes an understanding of how his mind works. Jon will try to get away with things. It will be small things at first and over time it will turn into bigger things. I’m very worried about the mind games that he will play with people. Notice that I didn’t say “try to play”, but “to play”. Jon always plays mind games with people. There are at least two things that are apart of Jon being able to breathe: 1. lying and 2. mind games.