Stress Dreams

My kids are starting their summer break, and next month is going to be very busy for us. We have lots of things planned for June.

Ah, stress!

You guessed it; stress dreams are happening.

Stress dreams tend to stress me out; which leads to more stress dreams. Don’t you just love how that cycle works? I know, I know, it sounds like so much fun…or maybe it doesn’t. I’m sure you’ve figured out that they really aren’t that much fun. It seems like every other word is a swear word. I’m really uncomfortable with that kind of language. I’ll admit that in my dreams it feels really good to release all that pent-up negative energy. I know it’s good to get all that anger out, and I’m glad it happens in my dreams than out on my family. Since using swear words is not something I am comfortable with, I sometimes feel some shame for having used such bad language in my dreams. I try to remind myself they are just dreams; the feelings I have in my dreams are valid feelings, and I have the right to express those feelings whether I’m dreaming or not. I have to remind myself the language I use, whether dreaming or not, does not make me a bad person.

The most difficult part of stress dreams are the themes they come in. The biggest link I can think of between these themes is the feeling of no one listening to me and of being ignored. Things that happen in these dreams can be hard to deal with once I wake up. They can trigger old shameful feels that I have dealt with long ago, but make them feel as though they are right on the surface again. sometimes these dreams cause me to have night sweats.

I know I have been writing about stress dreams quite a bit lately, but I’ve been having them a lot. They have been hard to deal with, and I just need to take the time to acknowledge them. To help myself feel as though my reactions in the dreams are valid, and that my feelings in the dreams are valid. No one can create a sense of validation with in me but me. I need be able to give myself that validation.

For anyone dealing with triggers, stress dreams, or traumatizing memories: take the time to give yourself the validation that you need; you deserve it.

EDMR: A New Resource

I was reading some comments on Facebook, from one of the pages I follow, and saw the term EDMR being referred to. Since I was not familiar with this term I decided to look it up. EDMR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing; it “is a psychotherapy that enables people to heal from the symptoms and emotional distress that are the result of disturbing life experiences”. This goes beyond the typical “talk” therapy that one may think of when they think about seeking out help and counseling for difficult and traumatizing life events.

I found the article to very informative, and it helped me understand a few things about my own journey. The article talks about how memory can be stored in our minds as body sensations; smell, touch, sound, taste and the sight of some things can trigger memories this way. This can cause healing to take longer and be more difficult. This definitely feels like it applies to me, and I feel like I could probably benefit from this type of therapy.

To find out more about EDMR and to see if you think it could help you; click here to read the article : What is EDMR?

I have updated the Resource page to contain the EDMR link as an educational link.

Mother’s Day 2016

Wow. This Mother’s Day was so much harder than I thought it would be. I normally don’t have any issues with this day. Right now, I’m in the midst of weaning off of my anxiety medication. My doctor would like to see me not needing to take it every day; since the medicine can be highly addictive. As soon as I started lowering the dose, I could tell the difference. I felt mentally crappy, and nothing all at the same time; a no-man’s land wasteland. I noticed, I felt the same way on my birthday this year too; before I started lowering the dose of my anxiety medicine .

I’ve learned over the years, it can be difficult for those who have grown up in an abusive environment to feel uncomfortable with the spotlight being on them. They can find it difficult to accept complements. It can be hard for them to make decisions; since while growing up decisions were usually made for them, and they were required to fall in line with what they were told to do.

I think this played a big role in why I felt so crappy on my birthday and for Mother’s Day. I’ve been having a hard time dealing with the stress dreams that I’ve been having. Then to add to it the decrease in my anxiety medicine; I was just having a hard time adjusting. I didn’t feel like having the spotlight on me or for anyone to look to me to make any choices or decisions. When I’m having a hard time functioning the way I would like to, I sometimes just want to be in my own little bubble and be invisible. I spent so much of my childhood feeling invisible and wishing I wasn’t; now there are times where all I want to be is invisible.

On Mother’s Day, I wasn’t feeling like someone who deserved recognition or praise for anything I do. I just wanted to be in my own little bubble and to be invisible; to not have anyone looking to me for anything. I didn’t want to be responsible for what we did for the day: where we ate, what we did, or where we went.

I’m doing better with the adjustment of my medicine. The stress dreams are still happening. I know I need to get back into counseling so I can better deal with my thoughts and feelings. When the actions of others cause you to wonder why you weren’t enough; why wasn’t it worth it for them to put in the effort to stay in your life, it takes a long time to heal from that. Yes, I’m still struggling with my aunt walking out of my life in a way that seemed so easy for her. I’m doing good with her out of my life, and do not have a desire to talk to her or to see her. I have anxiety when I get a phone calls to my phone from numbers I don’t recognize that could potentially be my aunt trying to call from a different phone number.

It has just occurred to me while writing this blog post that perhaps part of the reason why I’ve been having such a hard time with my aunt walking out of my life is because it triggers the same feelings I’ve had about other people who have been in my life. Perhaps it’s less about her, and more about all the people who have been in my life where I didn’t feel like I was enough or wondered why I wasn’t worth them doing something or changing something…to protect me, to have a healthy relationship with me, or to just be there for me. This is a new revelation for me, and hopefully it will help me to heal more. Hopefully, this can help you too; sometimes it may be more about the feelings a person triggers within you, and less about the actual person.

Faith And Church: Part 2-Troubled Church

It’s been a long time since I have faithfully been in church; I’m finding it so hard to trust pastors. The church organization I talked about earlier…the more you get into the organization the more you are expected to blindly follow everything they tell you. It seems like most churches have some level of degree where they expect you to blindly follow what they preach. Been there, done that, and it didn’t work out so well for me. When a church tells you that the pastor is beyond questioning, they take away his humanity and place him on the same level as God. There is a large amount of respect I believe should be given to a pastor, but don’t take away the reality that the pastor is human and not perfect; don’t take away the Pastor’s humanity. I loved it when my last pastor would share his struggles with us; it makes him relate-able to us and our struggles. The Pastor is responsible for his congregation, and God will give him a vision that not everyone will understand or agree with. A Pastor needs people by his side to help support him and the vision God has given him. Just don’t say that the pastor is beyond questioning and can NEVER be questioned. Don’t put the pastor on a pedestal that is only meant for God.

I would love to be back in church. We need to take the time to check out the churches in this new area we are living in. It seems like so many churches these days are always trying to sell you something: in-house and guests speakers’ shirts, books, DVDs and CDs and pay to attend special events and revivals. Many churches operate more like a business than a place to gather to worship and learn about God. Yes, they need to make sure the bills get paid, workers need to be paid, and funds are needed to run outreach programs. I’m not questioning the fact that churches need money to do many of the things they would like to do. My issue comes when I feel like I’m constantly being told about things I should buy. I don’t show up to church to hear a sales pitch about some book, CD or DVD that will supposedly take me to the next level in my walk with God. I show up at church to learn about God, and that alone can help me grow in my walk with God. I’m no stranger to seeking out resources to help grow my faith in areas I’m struggling in. I’m not opposed to hearing about resources at church; just don’t make trying to sell all these products as a constant part of the way the church services are run.

Not too long ago a well known pastor came under fire for asking his congregation to pitch in to help buy him a private jet. His reasoning for it was that he needed it for his travels when spreading the word of God. Yeah, I’m sure that’s how Jesus would travel around these days…in a private jet. The same Jesus that sat and ate with sinners and tax collectors; the same Jesus that traveled on the common roads (no private chariot for him) would travel on a private jet in today’s modern world. It’s exactly how He would travel to meet people, to preach to the masses, to heal the sick as he travels. Oh, wait, how could he? He’s on a private jet, with no way to interact with those who would have needed an encounter with Him as He was traveling. Isn’t that what Jesus’ ministry is all about, being among the people.

There is no such thing as a perfect church. Every church is made up of well…imperfect people; since we have sinned. We will not always agree 100% with everything we hear at church, and that’s okay. However, I’m noticing that many (but not all) churches these days are starting to resemble the synagogues of Jesus’ time. Some people flaunt the amount of money they give to the church by donations and their tithes. Making sure those around them see how much they are giving, or by bragging about how much they give. Others pride themselves on how much time they spend volunteering in the many areas of the church. Then there are those people who walk around with a holier than thou attitude simply because they consider themselves faithful followers of the church: they dress right, act right, and say all the right things; and they look down on those who are not as “polished” as them in church “etiquette” or give nasty looks to those who dare sit in “their” seats. Does this not sound like the pious Pharisees and Sadducees of Jesus’ time? Did not Jesus rebuke them for having the appearance of holiness on the outside, but lacking holiness on the inside?

Did He not also overturn the money tables in the Temple because people were using a place of worship as a place to make money on people who were trying to bring a good and acceptable sacrifice to the alters? Quite often the sacrifice the people brought with them were already good enough, but the business men told them their sacrifice was not good enough. However, if they were to buy the sacrifice from the sellers, they would then have the perfect sacrifice to offer to God for the cleansing of their sins; desperate to have their sins cleansed from them, they would buy what these men were selling them. The sellers were preying on the need and desire of those who wanted to be right with God, and selling them things, not to help people, but to make a profit off of them. Jesus told them they had turned the House of God into a den of thieves. I know many of today’s churches offer items for sale wanting to provide materials to help people grow in God. That’s all well and good, and I think it’s great for churches to provide resources. I just feel it should be done very carefully, and not sold to people as a sales pitch. Church is not a place to give their congregation the sense they are at a Live Home Shopping Network taping. They should not pitch these products as something needed for one to have a good and right relationship with God, and without it they won’t be able to please God. I can’t help but wonder if some of these churches have taken it too far. They think they are pleasing God, but is it possible they are offending Him instead? Without realizing it, they are turning their place of worship into a “den of thieves” by pushing products on their congregations, by presenting one sales pitch after another in a way where the people listening feel pressured, even obligated, to buy the product(s).

I know many people will probably have an issue with what I have written. They would say I’m talking out of both sides of my mouth, and that I shouldn’t be saying these things about the church or pastors. That I can’t say something is wrong and turn around to say, but if done this way it’s okay. Since when does everything have to be so black and white? Life isn’t black or white; it’s filled with many shades and colors. Not everything in life is crystal clear. Life experiences and emotions can cloud judgement or it can keep our eyes open to schemes around us; the same can be said about churches too. The Apostles in the Bible even warned their followers to watch out for false doctrines; this warning still applies today. That’s why it is so important to know what is in the Bible, and how to take and understand scripture in it’s correct context. It’s also very important to know and understand the character of God. All kinds of people will say and do things in the name of God (that go against His character), and they will twist scripture to justify what they are doing; the Westboro Baptist Church would be a great example. This is also why I feel a pastor or church should not be above questioning. You need to be able to have open communication so that you can determine for yourself if you feel the word of God is being truthfully taught or not.

Am I wrong or right for the things I have written, and for how I feel? Does it even matter if I’m right or wrong? I don’t think it matters what others feel about what I have written because this is what I’m facing and dealing with. This is my truth and the reality that I have lived through. This is my truth, and this is my struggle.

Faith And Church: Part 1-Troubled Faith

My faith, while it may have taken a big hit, is still intact. I still believe God to be the great healer and redeemer that He has shown Himself to be in my life. I have just been struggling with the way certain things are phrased. I’ve been struggling with the way those phrases cause me to feel; a way in which I do not believe is the way God intended it to be. I started feeling as though it was all becoming one giant sales-pitch which didn’t settle right with me. God doesn’t need to be sold like that, and shouldn’t be. His word speaks for itself, and His Spirit will lead us to move. I don’t need someone trying to play to my emotions to sell the goodness of God to me. It’s easier to convince people or move people to believe things when you can get them to make decisions with emotions instead of with their intellect. It’s easier to believe when emotions are involved. You don’t have to think about it because you are following your “heart”.

Right now, my faith is in need of some repairing. I feel a lot of the struggling I’m having with my faith right now stems back from when I was part of a church organization that had many faulty doctrines. There are some great people in this organization, and some of the things taught are good. However, not all of it was good, and when you get the courage to leave the organization there are a lot of scars left behind. A lot of times when a person leaves the church they are shunned by the rest of the congregation. They are considered an apostate which the Bible says is worse than an unbeliever. This is because you are viewed as having known the truth about God and have turned your back on the truth, and thus have turned your back on God. You have traded your true and right relationship with God for a worldly, “church-y” experience which will lead you no where in Christ.

Here’s a hint: If people keep claiming the church is a cult, and the pastor has to explain from the pulpit what does and does not qualify a church as a cult…that’s a big fat red flag.

There is so much damage that is done, especially if you are a woman. Women are expected to not cut their hair or wear make-up or jewelry (wedding rings are okay). Women are expected to dress modestly; which by their standards means: a woman should only wear dresses or skirts (ones that preferably go past the knees, which usually only leaves skirts or dresses that go down to your ankles), and no tank-tops or v-neck shirts. Women were expected to be the keepers of their home by not working and staying home taking care of the house (and kids if you had any). The house was expected to be clean and in order all the time; I think you get the idea. As for men, their main requirements were to provide for their family. Dress code wise: slacks were preferred and jeans were tolerated under certain circumstances, but overall frowned upon; shirts were to be short or long sleeve, tank tops and shorts were frowned upon. All clothing for both men and women were not to be tight or form fitting. Both men and women were expected to carry out duties around the church, and to go out in groups of two (men paired with men and women paired with women) to do “soul winning”. To knock on doors to invite people out to church. Each group would be assigned to an area that we would cover every Saturday. Before you ask, No, this is not the Mormon Church.

This church organization also is not Amish, or the one where they wear pastel colors for their dresses. This church calls itself a non-denominational church, but this church organization is really a Pentecostal Holiness church; however, you won’t catch them calling themselves that. They slowly reel you in as you start to attend services and fellowship on the regular basis. You notice (naturally) some things are different, and ask questions about it; this is where they get you. They will explain it using scripture from the Bible and then tell you to look it up yourself. The problem with this is, you’ve already heard their spin on the scripture; so your mind is already primed to view it their way instead of being able to objectively study the scripture. Eventually, you’ll start feeling as though the grace of God is gone, and all that is left are rules to follow.

Since I’ve started taking antidepressants and anxiety medicine, some things have gotten better for me; yet, some things seem not to be improving. The medicine certainly helps me function better most of the time, but I’m still having a hard time sleeping. Things that have to deal with my family still trigger me very easily, and it seems to take forever for me to be able to deal with it. Being a Christian and struggling with depression and/or anxiety carries a degree of shame with it, and taking medicine for it also carries with it a sense of taboo. Getting counseling is another taboo area, since Jesus is supposed to be our Great Counselor. We are supposed to have faith enough that God will heal us from all that we deal with. The smallest amount of faith is all it takes to be healed, but that’s not how it feels. When/if you are not healed you feel as though it is a reflection of your faith, or that there is some other aspect of your life (some kind of sin/imperfection in your life) that blocks not only the healing from your life but also blessings; this is what we are taught and told. Want to read more about my view on the topic of how much faith do we need? I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised. Check out a recent post I did called, “Got Faith?